Seeking Hope.

There's a real fragility to my life at the moment as I carefully navigate the depressive trough I find myself in.

It's so hard to express the damage a narcissist does to you. They present themselves as guiltless, while they're endlessly hypercritical of you. They're cruel, bitter, dishonest people who feel they owe you nothing and are incapable of processing criticism, however justified, without blowing up like a petulant child. And they see every interaction as something to win. It's all black or white with no shades of grey, so you're either toeing the line or a villain. And they'll lie without flinching and then seem to forget the difference between fantasy and reality in an instant.

I read a tweet the other day that hammered home the problem I face:

(Link to the original tweet.)

That's my situation in a nutshell. My mother shows little remorse for the damage caused by raising me in such a toxic atmosphere and expecting me to conceal it. Her likely reaction to this statement would be a case in point. She'd huff and puff and say I was exaggerating. There'd be excuses for everything she did, primarily that the lies were all for someone else's benefit (chiefly my dad, her now-wife or me). But they'd be words born from anger without empathy. Because the fact is my childhood was frightening and pressured, resulting in depression and long-term mental health intervention she's been aware of for years, seemingly without reflecting over her part in it. And her blank denial since my dad died has only revealed the extent of her lack of accountability. 

And if a person's unaccountable, it's wise to keep a wide berth. Because having someone in your life who can lie to your face at the drop of a hat is setting yourself up for a fall willingly.