Present and (In)correct.

I had a small flash of inspiration this morning regarding this blog and how to reframe my writer's block.

As someone with a tradition for self-judgement, my recent dropoff from posting regular content here has been a source of genuine frustration. When I started this blog eight years ago, the intention was to find a way through my depression by giving myself a daily deadline, with one eye on the metaphorical rearview mirror at writing standup material too. For that first twelve months, I never missed a day, and while plenty of my posts were flawed, there was still a sense of a forward trajectory and improvement (in both my writing ability and my mood).

Retrospectively, I'd say my expectations were too punishing. What had started as a motivational tool quickly became another reason to flay myself if I didn't keep up my productivity. Consequently, I'd be up late at night trying to finish blogs that were going nowhere due to tiredness and frustration. And while this daily deadline provided me with at least three hourlong standup shows created almost entirely from stitched-together blog posts, the pressure of keeping it up directly fed my depression. And sometimes a halfway house is needed in life.

While I now see I'd created a rod of my back, I'm still a firm believer in hitting creativity head-on, as, without prolificity, overthinking abounds; the less material you produce, the more you question its quality. And that's what happened to me for the last year and a half, as I navigated a difficult family situation that made it hard to write at all. Suddenly, I'd gone from writing hundreds of blogs a year to producing just sixty-four in 2020, and my circumstances made even that feel like pulling teeth.

Today, it hit me that when it comes to writing, I've become my own worst enemy and that I should accept potential imperfection if it kickstarts my creativity. When it comes to this blog, I make the rules. It doesn't matter if my posts are mundane or repetitive or if the scansion's all wrong. I can be trivial one minute and write about going no-contact with an emotionally abusive parent the next. And none of it need be perfect, because let's face it, a vast percentage of the creative process is showing up. So if the content of this website is erratic, that's my prerogative. I'm doing my best.

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