(Just Like) Starting Over.

I need to turn my head to new thoughts and a different direction before my narrative becomes so weighted in the past that I become trapped in the role of a toxic person's definition of me and tied to their disordered expectations.

The damage a narcissist causes is too complex to sum up in a few words and seeps into any space you let it. And the truth seldom plays a part in your dialogue, nor is there any recognition for your previous actions or character traits. It's all projection and recrimination in the hope they'll provoke a reaction that's big enough to deflect from their own behaviour; it's the bully who pushes you over, then tries to blame your decision to obey gravity for you hitting the ground.

But while I'm still coming to terms with our toxic relationship, I recognise it's wholly down to me to remove the validity of their critique. Every so often, I remember the times I begged them to treat me fairly like it was down to me to make a case for it. And the fact is it never was, however much they may believe it, and that belief says more about them than it does about me. I can at least take pride in emphasising it wasn't fair to keep lying to everyone, from my dad to their partner and me. And after exhausting every option to continue our relationship, I have to walk away from it. I'm making space for something new for my family. Because sometimes you have to run free.

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