Life on Standby.

I don't feel much momentum at the moment; everything's at a standstill.

When I did the only preview that went ahead this year, I found energy I hadn't expected that drove the show along and made me feel I could still do Edinburgh, despite the inevitable impact of the loss of my dad and the circumstances around it; that, plus the money donated, showed I had support from an unseen audience.

However, the project was inevitably on a knife-edge and still vulnerable to collapse; it was a delicate balance susceptible to sabotage from extra pressure.

And that's what happened: I hit a familiar brick wall. The inability to strike a temporary compromise with a close relative over my dad's estate made me feel unable to leave home for a month with everything in flux, so I cancelled the run with a few days' notice at a cost of over £6000. And not only did the relative never mention the cancellation or the fact I was meant to be doing Edinburgh at all until a passing reference in a text last week (which was only in reply to a letter from the solicitor I took on to try to bring about a resolution), they also didn't contribute to the fund to get me there when the money Dad offered to pay was frozen (a fund with over 100 donors).

(But of course, I'm not bitter.)

Now two months have passed since I would have returned south and I'm yet to pick up steam. Two Mostly Comedy dates went by with little enthusiasm on my part and I can't find the energy to think about what to do next. Losing my dad is a big part of this; I tend to plough ahead in usual circumstances, but the combination of grief and the resolve needed to cope with the shock-and-awe tactics of this other person have me functioning on battery power; all I can do is forge ahead as best I can, not expecting too much, though the fact that deadlines for the New Year are swarming doesn't help.

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