Castaway

Recently, I caught the train into Central London with the express purpose of holding a fish. 

I walked to my local station, bought a peak-time Travelcard (£31.00), took the train to King’s Cross and then the tube to Farringdon, located the right address, pressed the buzzer by an unmarked door, walked up four or five flights of stairs, held the fish (a mackerel) - and then reversed all of the above (minus buzzer and Travelcard) until I was back where I started.

All-in-all it took about two hours, and the key moment – the fish moment – was filmed for posterity.

Why? I was after a job, that's why.

I've recently signed with a new agent who specifically represents me for commercial castings. As a result, for the first time in about nine years, I’m often to be found trudging my way into town with a similar objective to this dangling of a mackerel in front of a high-definition camera.

Imagine the detail it must have captured. All those shiny, tessellating scales; like a fishy Blockbusters.

Did I mention that it was a raw fish?

This is something I’m particularly pleased about (the new commercial agent, not the raw fish). I’ve always felt more comfortable in front of a camera than on stage – and there’s something pleasingly instant and pressure-free about an advert casting; there’s minimal dialogue, and  - as my new agent is very good – I’m usually up for something particularly suited to my background.

It can also be quite lucrative. I was only with my first agent for a year before she was forced into early retirement (not my fault, I promise) – but in those twelve months she secured me four adverts;  enough to mean I didn’t need to find any paid work for the following year.

Don’t worry, though: I was back in debt soon enough.

A couple of highlights of my ‘glory period’ (unfortunate image) included flying to Madrid to hold a spoon for five days:

…and an advert for the Automobile Association that became the subject of a drinking game:

I remember a friend telling me about being sat in a pub in Southampton watching Sky Sports with a few colleagues. Every time my overtly-sideburned face popped up in an ad break, they’d all cheer and down their drink.

Perhaps I should have been advertising a different kind of ‘AA’.

It’s not all good, though. Sometimes you get a real measure of your own self-worth. A couple of days before filming the AA advert, I also shot a short promo for SpongeBob SquarePants. The treatment was essentially a live reenactment of a scene from the cartoon, with me in the role of SpongeBob.

This meant I had to appear in just a pair of Y-fronts. 

They gave me two pairs. I wore them both for safety.

The commercial was shot in a secondary school somewhere in South London. On cue a rugby team had to run out of the changing room and down a corridor out-of-shot, psyching themselves up for a match. I was the last to run out, in my pants-and-rugby-boot combo. I had to look down, realize my mistake and then run back into the changing room, embarrassed.

The tiled floor was so slippery I had little rings of gaffa tape attached to my soles to prevent a fall; it was the antithesis of showbiz.

For the final take the director wanted something different: instead of running back into the changing room I had to stop, clock my mistake, but decide to follow the team out regardless.

As luck would have it, this particular take coincided with a gap between lessons – meaning I ran out-of-shot into a corridor literally jam-packed with secondary school students awaiting their next class. I was stuck there in my two pairs of briefs - caught adrift amongst a sea of underage faces - until the director shouted "Cut".

One student summed up the moment perfectly. She looked me up and down, turned to her friend and said, “Eeeugh”. 

I had disgusted her with my very presence.

I walked back to the station post-shoot drenched from a sudden downpour - safe in the knowledge that after commission, I was set to clear £270.00 in my account.

I did, however, get to keep the pants.

Here's hoping a similar opportunity crops up soon.