The Art of Deniability.

My mood has been very low over the past few weeks as I try to express and process the scale of unaccountability of a relative who's caused so much pain for years, yet won't acknowledge or understand it.

What's horrible is they've crossed so many lines throughout my life that amount to emotional abuse, but their disordered mindset won't let them recognise this. They seem to believe that any negative comment about them is unjustifiable even if you can prove it, and can't process criticism healthily, yet they'll act disrespectfully and dishonestly all the time expecting no ramifications. And they won't do anything you ask, however small, to put things right and make you feel better.

The most destructive thing I'm coming to terms with is how they have no concept of how they compromised my childhood, and therefore impacted my adulthood too. I've spent years in therapy adopting strategies to cope with my past and process the dichotomy of a person who loved me yet would hurt me frequently with such ease. But I never dreamt the only way to balance the equation would be to accept that their love somehow exists outside of their actions and is entirely conditional, and those conditions can't be met healthily. And they were prepared to discard me with no attempt to fix our relationship, despite my giving them more than one way out. And while it helps that one of my last conversations with my dad had us both agreeing that this person can "never forgive", if he saw how far they'd be prepared to push that, he wouldn't believe it.

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