It's a measure of how appalling things have been in my personal life since my dad's death in May that I haven't posted here for the best part of three months, and was barely writing here before that either.
I stopped because I found myself stuck in a loop with nothing new to say, or at least nothing I felt I could express freely without making my circumstances worse. Being honest, this hasn't really changed, and I don't feel much more secure than I did back then, and this is largely thanks to the sustained behaviour of someone from whom I'd expect the opposite treatment if how they are related to me bore a resemblance to their conduct around me. But the stark reality I'm coming to terms with is the person I needed never existed for me or anyone else.
They used to read my blog regularly, "So I know you're okay", which makes me wonder whether they noticed I'd gone silent, or why reading I was struggling didn't make them any kinder. But the answer to that question is so disturbingly at odds with what you'd traditionally expect from this person's familial role it could lead to a crisis of confidence if I let the reasons they've given me - both directly and indirectly - hit home.
Unfortunately, I'm still not in a position to be completely open about what's happening; something that's occurred in some form throughout my life, though it's only in light of the ramped-up behaviour since my dad's death that I've grasped the bigger picture. This relative was always high-maintenance, and seldom respected the boundaries I introduced to help cope with my depression (which was predominantly brought about by what happened on their watch when I was growing up). They've also always been creative with the truth, and expected me to lie too; to my dad more than anyone. They'd even lie about small, inconsequential things that weren't necessary; becoming so adept at misdirection that the bigger falsehoods were pulled off with confidence. And now, they're lying to themselves. But whatever the motivation, it's not a safe line of fire to put myself in anymore. Because if someone's prepared to hear you explain the psychological damage they've caused and are causing yet still make no attempt to acknowledge or fix it - or climb down from their position of supposed superiority and lack of accountability that goes with it - then it's not a balanced relationship.