mostly david ephgrave

When my wife mentioned she might go to an event at North Herts College today, she inadvertently triggered a flashback to a horrific acting exercise I once took part in on the premises. Before I went to drama school, I did a BTEC in Performing Arts at North Herts. It was a great way to dip my toe into being an actor: an image that makes little-to-no sense. I was released from the restraints of an unpleasant secondary school experience; I felt like an adult, or a bad-haired, slightly acned representation of one at least. While my college years mostly bring back happy memories, one class left an unpleasant indelible mark in my head: a workshop called The Watering Hole. In it, we had to find a space, choose an African animal and think about how it moves. We were told to imagine we were our animal in an enclosure at a zoo, and behave accordingly; I opted for a lion, so I could pretend to be asleep. Taking the easy way out probably affected the fluidity ...

Tonight, I had the uncomfortable experience of eating a cod fillet next to a fish tank.  I was dining alone in a restaurant in Brighton before a gig, and hadn't considered where I was sitting until after I'd chosen my main course. Goldfish, catfish and koi swam within my eye line, judging me for my dietary preferences; no doubt hating me for my lifestyle choice. Being pescatarian means nothing when you could still be chowing down on someone's mum or dad.  To add insult to injury, I was wearing a shirt with pictures of fish on it. If anyone noticed, they'd have thought I was obsessed; not content with eating them, when I can wear them and watch them swim by me as well The gig was fun. It was in a tiny room below a pub, which was more like a Moroccan opium den than a comedy venue - and all the better for it. See below for a picture of the stage (Rowley Birkin QC / Ronnie Corbett out of shot). Surrounded by seating. ...

For some unfathomable reason, I seem to have adopted Mr Mackay from the sitcom Porridge’s laugh. (For reference, start the video 39 seconds in) This change came about in recent months. What was once a girly falsetto giggle is now a gravelly, raspy grunt. I blame my asbestos cupboard ; that and my forty-a-day cigar habit. I’d fully expected my voice to lose range with age; I just didn’t foresee it taking on the tone and timbre of a deceased Scottish actor in the process. It took me a while to identify whom I sounded like. I’d catch myself laughing and try to place it. Was it someone I knew? No, of course not ; i t was an actor I’ve watched countless times on DVD ( usually while compiling my tax return ) and subconsciously taken th eir cackle as my own. Thank God I didn't also start wearing the uniform. I suppose it could be worse. At least I haven’t grown a moustache. Give it time, though. Give it time.

This time last week, I brought up one of my least attractive habits: my propensity for tweeting along with University Challenge, indirectly berating the contestants. Seven days have passed, with no improvement on my part. See below for this week’s social media bullying. I’m a nice person, really. No. Really. 8:02pm: Look at Gard-Murray. LOOK AT HIM. 8:03pm: Leahy's face hasn't settled yet. 8:04pm: Oxford's Smith and Gard-Murray sound like John Thomson's scientist in The Fast Show. 8:05pm: Kaliski can hear you from there. 8:06pm: Leahy is wearing DeForest Kelley's top from the original series of Star Trek. 8:07pm: Osborn looks like an angry, bearded Art Garfunkel. 8:10pm: Kalisky: son of Pob. 8:12pm: Page's hair. So soft. Not an ounce of product. 8:12pm: Leahy is absolutely sh*tting it. 8:14pm: Leahy regrets the speed he took, pre-episode. ...

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself ever since I banged my head on one of my kitchen cupboards on Saturday evening. It happened while I was in the midst of an act of kindness: making a cup of tea for my wife. On opening the cupboard, a bag of loose-leaf tea fell out onto the floor. I bent down to retrieve it, and stood up suddenly, forgetting I’d left the door open. I smacked into the underside of it with force, leading to a fair amount of swearing and a tiny bit of blood. It wasn’t my finest tea-making moment. Kitchengate is a metaphor for my life: I do too much at once. The last few days have been a case in point, where practically every waking moment has been taken up with trying to secure the best possible line-ups for Mostly Comedy in the New Year (I exaggerate a little, though the truth isn’t far off). When June’s show sold out at speed on Saturday morning, rather than see this as a chance to relax, I started to worry about all the line-ups we...

Here are all of my 140-tweets character tweets about tonight’s Strictly Comedy Dancing tonight. Hopefully, you enjoy them. If not, please remember that this service is free. 6:31pm: I'll probably tweet about Strictly for a bit, but I smacked my head on a cupboard door today, so they may be a little hallucinogenic. 6:33pm: If anyone's poppy falls off, The Daily Mail will be FURIOUS. 6:36pm: Jeremy Vine's wearing Anton du Beke's Woody-from-Toy-Story outfit. 6:36pm: Janette's come as Ruth Madoc. 6:38pm: By making Janette wear Anita's Demi Moore wig, they've confirmed its tax deductibility. 6:40pm: That Dave, he's so Arch. 6:47pm: "I've been shaved by a woman." 6:52pm: If there's a camera in the room, you can guarantee that Gleb will be looking at it. 6:54pm: I knew it: Carol's a flasher. 6:59pm: Bruno's idea of constructive criticism: "BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, BITCH, BITCH (I was ...

When I woke up today, I logged into the Mostly Comedy ticketing system on the off-chance, to see how sales were faring for next June’s show with Stewart Lee and Norman Lovett (which went on pre-sale to our mailing list subscribers at 9:00am this morning), and was amazed to find forty-seven tickets had already been snapped up in the first five minutes. The day started as it was set to go on. By 9:10am, we’d sold sixty-nine; by 9:20am, the tally stood at eighty. Within an hour, we’d sold slightly more than the capacity of our soon-to-be previous venue The Market Theatre, and minutes later, we had completely sold out; by far the fastest tickets have gone for any of our events to date. We had expected demand to be high, based on Lee’s last two visits to the club, but not as high as this; particularly when the gig is still seven months away. It was extraordinary and very exciting – and bodes well for how things will go in our new venue in the New Year. ...