'GBBO 2017: Week Two' (05.09.17)


Tonight’s Bake Off played right into my corner by being biscuit week.

I am a biscuit fanatic, who’s been known to devour whole packets in a single day, working on the assumption that if no-one sees me do this, it didn’t happen; tell that to my expanding waistline.

Inevitably, there were many biscuit-based wonders to marvel at this week, most notably of all Steven’s exceptional fully-functioning chess board. The fortune cookie round was a little unfair in my opinion, but what do I know?: I don't make biscuits, I just eat them.

See below for tonight’s Twitter ramblings; reading it will kill a few minutes.

8:03PM: I bet, like Alan Partridge, Paul has Castrol GTX on the back of his jacket.

8:06PM: Week Two in the Bake Off Tent and Flo's dentures still haven't settled.

8:08PM: I'll give you an adult-only filling.

8:10PM: I liked the insincerity of Stacey's son's, "I love you: bye".

8:11PM: A lot of double entendres are being missed in Mel & Sue's absence.

8:12PM: "Watch them like a hawk". Like how a hawk watches a biscuit.

8:14PM: As a tribute to Paul and Prue's first task this week, I'm eating 24 biscuits.

8:15PM: They should have called this the Jack Bauer Challenge.

8:22PM: I wonder if Chris optimistically bought ten shirts - one for each episode - in advance.

8:23PM: Does Paul Hollywood give this many notes post-coitus?

8:24PM: Mary Berry, watching this at home, pissed.

8:27PM: Please, someone make a Wheel of Fortune Cookie.

8:29PM: Channel 4's spent-a-fortune cookie.

8:33PM: ...Flo and Steven to co-host the most sibilant TV special ever.

8:43PM: Me, watching the Bake Off (left).

8:44PM: Someone make an edible Ouija board.

8:45PM: Someone do Hungry Hungry Hippos.

8:47PM: ...or pasta KerPlunk.

8:49PM: Chris is making an edible This Morning map.

8:50PM: ...I'd still be working out how to switch on the oven.

8:52PM: So much swearing going on in my house.

9:02PM: I just swallowed the little dog from Monopoly. Send help.

9:04PM: Steven's is beautiful.

9:14PM: So, that'll be eight new shirts unused then.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more