mostly david ephgrave

It was with much sadness – or possibly relief – that I resigned my gimp mask to the bin today. Yes, that’s right, my gimp mask. I own a gimp mask. Actually, I’ll rephrase that: I owned a gimp mask. Until today. When I resigned it to the bin (see above). Before you start to worry, I’d like to reassure you that I didn’t buy it for sexy reasons; nor did I purchase it to keep my face toasty on those cold winter nights. It was acquired as a prop for a Doggett and Ephgrave sketch (which at time of writing has received a measly seventy-eight views on YouTube) and has lived in my flat ever since; a largely unseen one minute and fifty-three seconds of comedy that led to me storing an item that made me uncomfortable each time I saw it – which wasn’t often, as it was usually on my head. In January, I had cause to breathe a sigh of relief, when a friend who lives in Wales asked to borrow it for a fancy dress party (these being the sort of people I knock about with). I cou...

Today I went to the Post Office to send a gimp mask. I don’t own one for recreational purposes. It’s a prop (something I previously covered here ). The other day I received a text from a friend asking if he could borrow it – for fancy dress rather than ‘sexy time’ – and, of course, I said yes. It’s a relief to get rid of it, if I’m honest. It's very intimidating. I keep it in the storage cupboard outside my flat for distance, next to the cat o’ nine tails, the ball gag and the sex swing. “This is not just bondage gear; this is S&M bondage gear”. (Best read in a Dervla Kirwan voice to a Fleetwood Mac accompaniment.) The first step was getting it into town. Despite being hidden in my bag it still made me self-conscious. What if I was in a road accident? I’d hate to be discovered with the mask about my person and not be able to explain it. I don't want to end up on the front page of The Comet. By the time it was jiffy-bagged and under my arm in the Post Off...

The only things I’ve ever bought on eBay are a kangaroo suit and a gimp mask. I should explain before you think they were for something nefarious. They're both props. The mask was for a sketch and the skin costume was for a script reading; click here - and see below - for proof. A marsupial, Michael Barrymore and me. Despite having an alibi, my eBay history concerns me. I don’t like the impression it creates. I wouldn’t trust someone who’s purchased that and nothing else. Do eBay have a panic button? If so, I wonder what third item would result in a custodial sentence. What if GCHQ are putting together a profile of me? I’d hate my ownership of a leather face garment and a marsupial outfit to affect my job prospects. I suppose it could be worse. I could have bought this too. That is the most terrifying fancy dress costume on the planet. Still. Free delivery.