mostly david ephgrave

Two foods I have no cut-off point with are biscuits and grapes. The former option is obviously far less healthy than the later. If somebody started selling grape-flavoured biscuits, I'd never leave the house (providing whoever baked them delivered; if not, I’d have to pick them up in person or make them myself, which sounds like too much effort). Today’s a case in point: my breakfast consisted of ASDA’s crunchy nut cornflake-( con flake?)-substitute, a mug of coffee, an episode of Frasier, followed by biscuit after biscuit after biscuit after biscuit. My alibi for the lack of exercise and the multi-biscuit intake was I was trapped under a sleeping cat. I had to eat what was in arm’s reach to survive; thank God I wasn’t sat next to a Bounty or I would have starved; those bars are the Devil’s fruit. Speaking of Bountys, Wikipedia describes them as consisting of a coconut filling “enrobed in chocolate”, which sounds too grand for my liking...

Ladies and gentlemen, pray silence – and listen to the worst version of ‘Why Do Fools Fall in Love?’ of all time. What can I say? I’m so sorry for putting you through this. I was blissfully ignorant of Diana Ross’ cover of this old doo-wop classic until just after 11 o’clock this morning, when Sir Terry included it as part of his Weekend Wogan playlist – and now I can never unlearn it. Barely thirteen seconds into the record you already know you’re in for a bad thing: the high-tuned tom-fill that kicks things off; the backing vocalists that sound like they’ve started in a different key from the rest of the band, but would sooner persist than admit their mistake; the jaunty bassist who plays as if the chord chart fell off their music stand a few bars in, but isn’t going to let this hold them back for a second. Even the piano part is awful; if it was any more devoid of soul you’d be asking a paramedic to check the pianist for signs of life. It’s like everyone wh...