mostly david ephgrave

The thing that made this year bearable for me was, without a doubt, meditation. If it hadn't been for the often-weekly Zoom classes run by the Letchworth Centre of Healthy Living, I wouldn't have leant so heavily into the gift of space and perspective that meditation can give. It was all about grounding for me and quieting the noise and the anxiety. Of course, it doesn't take your problems away, but it creates a little breathing space to consider them with equanimity. And that's a useful tool to have in your arsenal. (Insert euphemism here.) The problem for me is my deeply ingrained fear and depression, which is hard to work around. I hate how depression zaps so much energy from me. It stagnates my creativity and fucks with my sense of self-worth; something which has become harder to sidestep in the past year, although I'm determined not to let it beat me.  It helps that I understand the cause of my poor mental health with more clarity now, in the wake of the atmosp...

I'm at the very early stages of planning a new podcast about narcissistic abuse, and I'm quite excited about it. It's a subject I'm still getting to grips with, though the act of reading up on it (and talking to other people who've experienced it) is helping me come to terms with it. Every day, I learn little details that put what's happened into perspective. And while I'm still delicate, there's been progress. Just today, I had a mini-revelation that took a little weight off. I was watching a video from a series recommended by a friend that was discussing toxic logic when the penny finally dropped on the common point that narcissists have no empathy and no rules apply to them. While I'd read that frequently and even remarked about it, I hadn't processed it, because it's such an alien concept when you  are  empathetic. So much of the pain comes from asking the question, "Why me?" and "Why wasn't I enough?"...

I'm trying to keep everything relatively lowkey at the moment and focus on the precious little things that bring good. One such thing is spending time with the dog and enjoying what he enjoys. He loves shooting around the garden, and I like to watch him and spur him on. I'm often so caught up in my head from day to day that I take things like this - or taking him for a walk - for granted. I'm trying not to though, as these moments are what life is all about. Spending time with the wife is another example (though the second-billing was accidental). We've had a lot to process lately, and while this stuff doesn't just vanish, I think we've earnt some time away from it. Recent events have underlined how you can spend a lifetime trapped in someone else's timeline to almost miss out on your own. But approaching forty is a good time to make a conscious effort to live a little differently: to attempt to look to the present and the future instead of always l...

I find myself trying to avoid negativity at every turn at the moment, which is particularly hard when you venture near the internet.  I know sometimes I’m the one complaining, be it here or on Twitter - or just shouting at my television - but I wish we spent more time celebrating the good instead of looking for the worst in everything, particularly when coming from an uninformed viewpoint. For example, I read an article today, which as an aside threw out the statement, "Carole King could never sing”; I don't think we need dignify that with a response. The problem is, we live in a society where it’s become fashionable to tear people down instead of build them up; Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and the Daily Mail, I’m talking to you. All three examples will spout on relentlessly from a point of complete ignorance and sadly, a disquieting proportion of people lap it up. It’s like drivers slowing to look at a road accident or the abundance of magazines discussing whether celeb...

I was feeling a little forlorn about trying to drum up interest - and an audience - for Wednesday's preview, and all the admin that goes with it, until I received a nice email from someone I'd invited, expressing frustration that they couldn't come.  This might sound like a standard response, if it weren't for the fact that this person -  who shall remain nameless - is of a high enough profile / doesn't know me that well to feel obliged to reply, yet they still did, and were really lovely in the process. They only said a few words, but it was still enough to make me feel more positive about what I was doing; particularly after a challenging day.  Working on your own can feel like a uphill slog. You fluctuate between feeling good about what you're doing and being generally unenthused by it. You have to constantly keep yourself in check, while splitting your time between writing, promoting, rehearsing, improving and keeping faith in what you're doing when fa...