mostly david ephgrave

Fuck me, I'm forty. The fateful day. The milestone's significant and inevitably a moment for reflection. It seems like only yesterday I was celebrating my thirtieth while on tour in the Netherlands and suddenly I'm a step closer to what's commonly regarded as middle-age...if I'm not there already. And all those gits who say "Life begins at forty" are conspicuous in their absence. I may speak to Citizen's Advice about a recount. Joking aside, I see my fortieth as a positive chance to sink more comfortably into my skin. For much of my life, I questioned my self-worth to the point that it made me unwell. The events of my childhood scarred me mentally and left me riddled with self-doubt and ill-equipped for a happy adulthood. The kid I could have been was drowned out by the role forced upon me and it crippled my progress. And so much energy was consumed in pretending I was okay when I wasn't. I had to bury the truth at all costs. It didn't matter h...

Much of today was spent preparing my dad's house for him to be sent home from hospital, for the sending-home-from-hospital to never come. In a way, we were pleased, as we were worried he wasn't fit enough to come back yet, following the state he was in on Thursday when he was taken in, not to mention the fact he hadn't had the scan on his leg his doctor insisted should happen when he was admitted. As it stands, he has a blood infection that's been treated by antibiotics, plus his leg's still slightly swollen. The initial story we were told when we phoned the ward to double-check when he was being discharged today was that he wouldn't be able to go home until Monday at the earliest so they can keep an eye on the infection or any reactions as a result of it, which led Mum and me to let out a sigh of relief; we'd rather know he was being looked after - and fed and watered properly - than risk him being at home alone until the care we've arranged is in pla...

I had a moment of reassurance tonight when I listened back to a few little recordings of bits of material I’ve been working on with a view to going in my show and they actually made me laugh. I’ve been doing everything in fits and starts of late, that I haven’t been able to get a handle on what’s been done and whether it’s any good. I’d hoped to use this week to really get down to it, but inevitably, things kept getting in the way. I didn't have time to do anything today until late, so I decided to take stock of what I’d been tinkering with recently, rather than start anything knew - and the benefit of having had a little space from it all helped to put things back into perspective. I’m actually enjoying the slightly more robust style of what's coming out, partly as a result of being more faithful to the blogs I’ve written, while using projection to punctuate them. There’s still a lot of work to do, but I feel heartened by what’s coming together, o...

One thing I never cease to be surprised by, despite the fact I should know better by now, is how much my job requires requires a thick skin. I regularly feel like I’m swimming against the tide at the moment, particularly in the lead up to Edinburgh. Yesterday, I raced to put together a clip of live material to send to a publicity person who requested to see more of my work (forewarning it was a little rough around the edges) to receive a polite reply today, praising my confident performance, but being less enthused about the content. While this sort of thing is par-for-the-course, it can still be a gentle slap to the face when you put so much time into self-generation of work with little perceived outside encouragement. I know I’m capable and better at what I do than I’m occasionally given credit, due to little outside accreditation for my comedy - no-one has yet taken the bite and helped me out - but there are times when it’s hard to keep positive...

I'm finding meditation invaluable at the moment, when it comes to settling my frantic brain. Another thing I apply in huge doses is selective deafness. While there have been a lot of positive advances in my work and with my attitude this year, the first half of 2016 hasn’t been without its setbacks. There are plenty of niggles that could overshadow the good stuff if I let them. Take last week’s run on the Brighton Fringe: on the plus side, it was a huge advancement on the show I wrote and performed there the previous year. My first extended foray into solo stand-up was understandably tentative and careful, whereas this year’s show is already more confident, more varied and – I think – funnier than the one before. I’m prouder and more sure about it, despite my inbuilt and instinctive insecurities with what I do – yet sadly, no-one reviewed it thus far. Consequently, I’m set to enter my first solo Edinburgh Fringe with a couple of scathing reviews still lurking at the to...

At yesterday's meditation class, my teacher talked about being kinder to yourself. This is something I'm not very good at. I have very high expectations. I also disappoint myself easily. It doesn’t take much for me to beat myself up. I’m trying to learn not to do this. I’m finding that practicing meditation daily is starting to help. At the end of our class we had a little chat on the subject and I mentioned an example I felt was relevant. Sometimes, like most people, I’ll be running late. I’ll be on the train into London for a casting or a rehearsal and, for whatever reason, I didn’t make the train I wanted to catch. I’ll spend the entire journey looking at my watch and getting stressed. “I’m late, I’m late, I’m late” goes the mantra in my head. I was doing this a few months ago, when it suddenly dawned on me that I wasn’t late yet. I was painting a mental picture of all the people disappointed with my tardiness, forgetting that no-one knew about it yet. It hadn’t hap...