mostly david ephgrave

I'm grateful for the little light that came on today, metaphorically speaking*, while playing a few old songs on my acoustic. It was like a gap in my DNA was filled** to complete me. I felt comfortable despite being out of practice, and for once, I didn't question what I was doing; it just felt right. I had a brief moment of clarity that wasn't undercut by my mood or sense of self-worth. If I can tap into this, it might give me the impetus to start something new. It probably helps that I've been revisiting the songs from my 2018 standup show, 'David Ephgrave: My Part in His Downfall', by posting video clips of them on social media as a placeholder until I start my next project (whatever that is). In truth, it's hard to know where to begin with that. The combination of Mostly Comedy's closure after so much difficulty and my long, drawn-out route back to the Fringe has left me burnt out emotionally, creatively and financially, and I need a chance to regrou...

While writing my new show's progressing reasonably steadily, in my heart, I know it needs to be the last project I do alone for some time. I guess it was my choice - though it often doesn't feel like it - that most things I do now are self-generated, but they all leave me needing to draw on a reserve of self-belief that's fragile at best. I have to ignore so much negative reinforcement to keep going, which is hard when the personal problems I've suffered have much the same impact. The truth is that what I do is increasingly lonely, and isolation triggers the false narratives my past can dredge up. I think my abandonment issues are understandable, but it doesn't stop them from dragging me back. And recent events in my life have reinforced my lack of self-worth, making it harder to ignore them. I didn't deliberately set out to be a solo performer. I was in a band and a double act and sought healthy collaboration. And while being an actor inevitably requires forgin...

I know I've mentioned it before, but I feel entirely zapped of creativity at the moment; circumstances are such that I'd currently struggle to define myself as a comedian, or anything else. At best, I'd put myself as a frustrated comedy promoter in that all I'm doing is keeping my club ticking over post-Edinburgh without deriving much joy from it. My enthusiasm has taken a severe dip in the wake of attempting to settle my private situation and the knock to my confidence was compounded by the loss of my dad and by pulling Edinburgh, despite the attention and encouragement I'd received in advance; I feel like I conned the people who donated to my JustGiving page, despite the fact that cancelling the run cost more than the money I raised to do it. Outside of running the club, I can keep a low profile for awhile - I'm not going up for castings and the Mostly gigs are the only performance dates in the diary - but I'd still sooner not be doing stand-up th...

Today, I finally finished compiling my 2017/18 tax records (with my wife as my unpaid assistant), which makes for depressing reading unless you're a fan of minus figures. (If so, then get ready for  this : -4922.679232) (I know: phwoar) I find myself at a crossroads over what to do next. The past four years have been primarily about performing stand-up to fringe audiences to work up my solo chops, having always performed comedy as one half of a double-act up to that point. While I've taken shows to London, Brighton, Bath, Leicester, Hitchin and Letchworth over that time, there's no doubt Edinburgh was the biggest underlying factor, with the other dates being either a warm-up for or a cool-down from three consecutive Edinburgh Fringes, with me writing another solo show in 2015 that I didn't take to Scotland, but was still put together with going there alone as my motivation. There's no denying the experience has been challenging, both creatively and financial...

I just wanted to write a little addendum to last night’s piece on Ken Dodd's death. This morning, I listened to the 2013 documentary celebrating Dodd's life, titled ‘How Tickled I Am’ and found it both interesting and amusing in equal parts, but there was something he said right at the end of the programme that touched me enough to note down. It was while discussing with clear joy what he did for a living that he exclaimed, “All the rotten jobs people have to do, and here's me, I have this wonderful job where I only see people happy; I only see them smiling. How wonderful is that?" What a lovely way to put it; I’d never thought of a comedian’s job that way. For someone like Dodd who was a notorious workaholic who’d do five-hour-long shows as a matter of course, his level of commitment suddenly makes sense when framed like that; why would you want to stop, when you’re playing to a room filled with such delight? It r...

I’ve only got two more performances of last year’s show to go - tonight in London and next month in Leicester - and while I’m still proud of it, I realised yesterday why it’s so hard to keep hold of that. When I first performed a skeleton version of it at Bath Comedy Festival last April, I was already happy with the reaction it got; for me, it was nice to be doing something fresh, plus I was fortunate enough that the audience enjoyed it at this early stage. The following month I took a slightly more polished version to the Brighton Fringe which also went down well, and this continued to build across the various previews in June and July and into the (allegedly) finished version to Edinburgh. The problem psychologically is the negative by-product you pick up along the way. In most cases, every show is the first time that audience has seen it, yet inevitably I’ve been to every one (it would be weird it I wasn’t); and while there’s nothing wrong with having to approach it afr...

My favourite line from Channel 5’s ace (no card-pun intended) documentary on Paul Daniels last week was, "It took twenty years for Paul to become an overnight success." That’s a statement most people in the performing arts industry can relate too, and a sobering reminder of just how much work and commitment is required to sustain a long career. These things don’t just come overnight, and if they do, that’s not to say they’ll stay. It’s a fickle and often-thankless world to be a part of, save for those few moments when you’re onstage and things fall into place. But Daniels career is testament to the fact that hard work does pay off; in his case, the years of effort he put to the cause prepared him for the success that followed. What underlined this for me while watching the programme was seeing footage of one of Paul’s earliest TV appearances, on the variety show The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club in the mid-1970s. He kicked off his set with exactly the sam...

My labyrinthitis kicked in with a vengeance today, which is something I could do without. Quite often when it rears its ugly head, it’s the dizziness I notice last and the emotional response I notice first. Around lunchtime today I was overtaken by anxiety. Initially, I assumed this was due to the enormity of what I have to do over the next few days and the more mundane fact that I was waiting for Parcelforce to pick up the parcels I was shipping to Edinburgh. I thought it was just 'The Fear': the moment your body decides to exhibit the nerves you’re subconsciously feeling that haven’t bubbled to the surface yet. Of course there’s nothing wrong with feeling anxious about the job ahead when you have a lot coming up - that’s natural - but it wasn’t until I walked into town to do some shopping and started having problems coordinating my way past dawdling pedestrians that I realised my head was spinning and that was why I was on edge. The most frustrating thing about...

One thing I never cease to be surprised by, despite the fact I should know better by now, is how much my job requires requires a thick skin. I regularly feel like I’m swimming against the tide at the moment, particularly in the lead up to Edinburgh. Yesterday, I raced to put together a clip of live material to send to a publicity person who requested to see more of my work (forewarning it was a little rough around the edges) to receive a polite reply today, praising my confident performance, but being less enthused about the content. While this sort of thing is par-for-the-course, it can still be a gentle slap to the face when you put so much time into self-generation of work with little perceived outside encouragement. I know I’m capable and better at what I do than I’m occasionally given credit, due to little outside accreditation for my comedy - no-one has yet taken the bite and helped me out - but there are times when it’s hard to keep positive...

This is it: MY 2016 EDINBURGH FRINGE SETTLEMENT IS IN . To anyone who suggests my comedy career is progressing slowly: I WAVE THIS IN YOUR FACE . Look at the figures and you can clearly see I’m winning; I’m nearly three quid up on the game. Take that, Mr Chilcott, Careers Advisor at Thomas Alleyne School; I can make my living as a performer (as long as somebody agrees to consolidate my debt). Admittedly, that £2.52 BACS payment doesn’t take into account every aspect of the cost of my recent EdFringe run; this is just the Box Office Settlement after the remaining half of my venue hire fee was paid off. There's still the accommodation, the brochure fee, the posters & flyers, the flyerers, the subsistence, the PR, the previews, the train tickets and the adverts to consider. But forget all that; I’ve done good. I can afford to buy 6.3 red peppers from Sainsbury's and live like a red-peppered king. Joking aside, thing did work o...

Today was a strange day in that it took in a lot of highs and lows, with me feeling just about every emotion from happiness, to relief, to anxiety and illness (which is apparently now a psychological state). I went to the venue this morning, a little on edge, on the back of the last two shows having gone so well. Being a pessimist, this made me suspicious; “Surely by law of averages, the next one must be bad?” Amazingly, it didn’t. There were only four people in, but they were lovely throughout, despite there being a good chance they could be intimidated into silence by a performer eyeballing them throughout. My voice was still tired, but I had slightly more to play with than the previous day, and even managed to hold the long note at the end of the show without warbling and cracking like on Saturday. I walked back to my digs feeling elated, but no sooner had I got back, than my mood completely dropped. I think this comes from the nervous e...

Despite starting both with next-to-no voice, my last two shows have been most fun of the run so far. I was discussing it with Fraser after today’s show, and how being ill can give you extra fire, when he pointed out how it does something strange to your nerves, particularly at the Fringe; you adopt a ‘let’s just get through this’ attitude, and your buckling down and concentrating on working around how you fell makes you forget your usual pre-show anxiety. It helps that the last two gigs were on a Friday and a Saturday, which definitely boost numbers (even at midday). They were probably the busiest up to now, with people who were attuned to what I’m aiming at, instead of being confused. I’ve also been working harder to get past the tiredness, the mucus and the phlegm (pleasant), becoming more playful in the process. I’ve been ad-libbing more than usual, with sharper results. There are moments when I even feel like an actual comedian ; STOP PRESS. ...

I've been practicing meditation more and more frequently in the past few weeks, to quieten my frenetic brain. I find it very helpful to slow down my thoughts, which often race ahead at a lick, and to focus on what I'm doing there and then. Like most things that are good for me, I expected to only meditate in fits and starts, but surprisingly, I'm pretty regular with it, though it's harder to commit and concentrate when I'm overtired and stressed. It's become an off/on part of my warm-up routine when preparing for a show. There are a string of vocal exercises I always do before a performance - partly to wake up my range, speech and diction and partly because I'd feel weird if I left them out - but meditation has certainly been added to the list. While mindfulness is currently in vogue and may seem a buzzword to a cynic, there's a lot to be said for it. Anything that helps you prioritise and take stock in where you're at can only be a good thing. On...

I hate the self-congratulatory nature of the Oscars and award ceremonies in general. Perhaps I'm being miserable or jealous, but I don’t think it’s necessary, particularly in the world of entertainment. I think actors are celebrated and raised on a pedestal enough, especially at the high end of their industry. Switch on BBC Breakfast of a morning or Graham Norton of an evening and their respective sofas will be bursting with performers hyperbolizing about the strenuous emotional journeys they took to bring a characterization to the stage or screen. They’ll act like they’ve stumbled across the cure for cancer or the secret to time-travel, while the interviewer laps it up. Giving an actor the chance to discuss the agony of their craft is like showing a rag to a bull. I know because I’m one of them. (An actor and not cattle, though there's very little difference.) Don't get me wrong. Film, television and theatre has its place. We a...

Frustratingly, I appear to be losing my voice. This is down to a rapidly advancing cold, which can’t be helped, but the timing isn’t good. I was supposed to be going to a family member’s hospital appointment tomorrow, but have cancelled this, as I didn’t want to give anyone my lurgy, plus we’re meant to be recording the next episode of In Your Inner Ear in the evening. I then have gigs on Thursday and Friday for which being able to speak would be a bonus, as I’m not a physical comedian. Commedia dell'arte was never my forte. (Historical theatre reference.) This afternoon and evening I met with two friends, both of whom I was concerned I might pass on my disease to. Hopefully, I managed to keep sufficiently clear to avoid contamination. I met the second of the two at a pub that was noisy enough to bang the final nail into the coffin of my voice-box – and while I didn’t drink (save a medicinal glass of mulled wine), the environment still ...

I’m feeling a slight flush of confidence, having just watched a clip of me trying out some new material at last Thursday’s Mostly. If you think that sounds arrogant, then you don’t know me well. In reality, I’m my own worst critic (however much Steve Bennett would like to steal my crown). Nothing I do is ever good enough. When something goes well, I still manage to find what I perceive to be the least successful aspect, and fixate on it. If I’m in a particularly destructive mood, I’ll sabotage my performance from the inside, by deciding it’s going awfully and making it known. (“Give us a gig.”) The irony is that no-one seems to notice. Even my most disparaging reviews tend to say I look confident. Maybe my lack of faith in my ability is normal and I’m just giving myself a hard time. I don’t know. Whatever it is, I wish I could take on board that I’m not always as bad as I think I am and that, maybe fleetingly, I might occasionally be good. ...