mostly david ephgrave

"Anyone who accidentally put their mobile phone through the washing machine today, please raise your hand." (David puts his hand up, sheepishly.) It's fair to say this was something I could have done without, and yet I did it anyway. It was a brief lapse on my part, yet still enough to justify my phone laying in a bed of rice for the rest of the evening with its little green LED light stuck on and glowing from the deep ominously. I've yet to learn the extent of the damage though at the moment it won't switch off, which isn't a good sign. That's what comes from doing too much at once. I'd just got back from sprinting through Hitchin with my massive dog on the end of a string and thought I'd quickly put some washing on. I piled it all up and carried it into the kitchen with my mobile nestled on top of it and then somehow managed to post it all in the machine and switch it on without realising. It was only when I told my wife I couldn't find...

Today, I mistook my cat’s snores for my mobile vibrating; I lead a lonely life. (Just like the woman in the Ace of Base song.) I heard it just as I’d finished running my show, and assumed it was my wife calling to say she was on her way home. It turns out it wasn’t, unless she now communicates by channelling her thoughts through the sounds of sleeping felines, which would be weird as well as difficult to orchestrate. What gave the game away was the fact my phone is almost always on silent, particularly when I’m working. I like to assert control over when I have to deal with anything the real world throws at me, as it makes me feel less stressed; I’d recommend this technique to anyone who suffers from anxiety, or is simply too busy, as it helps you to take your foot off the metaphorical gas (which I mean in the American sense; not that I want to dwell on the goings-on in that country at the moment). Maybe my cat was trying to fuck wi...