mostly david ephgrave

How do you create a new narrative when your old one's so heavily ingrained and difficult events have pushed it to the surface? That's the question I ask myself this afternoon as I sit in front of a blank computer screen, trying to be productive. It's something I ask myself often, both directly and indirectly. I know I'm inclined to be a hard taskmaster and am prone to believe I'm somehow failing, but how can I stop my internal monologue from stymying me? It doesn't help that I've been frequently criticised by a relative who acts beyond criticism - particularly from me - irrespective of their behaviour. I was raised in a toxic household with guilt projected onto me and often blindsided by unexpected accusations that back footed me into apologies before I had time to consider whether they were necessary. In hindsight, I see that a lot weren't, and I was being subtly manipulated by someone committed to overbearing me, but it's still hard to dial down th...

As we sprint past the finish line of such a challenging year, it can be hard to find positivity.  Sometimes it takes a little focus shift or a zooming-in on the finer-detail to locate it. There's an exercise I occasionally practise called the ten-finger gratitude meditation that positively reinforces this, and as such, is an appropriate way to start 2021. The crux of it is to find the time, usually at the end of the day, to list ten things you're grateful for. They can be big or small, and should you want to approach the task more mindfully, you could trace the outline of each hand with a finger as you do it; running it along the edge as you concentrate on the physical sensation, stopping at each fingertip for a moment as you state each point to yourself. The task may seem trite, but it's hugely beneficial in a world where we tend to hold onto the negative while dismissing the positive out of hand. This trait could take a lifetime to unlearn, or you may be unaware you even ...

The thing that made this year bearable for me was, without a doubt, meditation. If it hadn't been for the often-weekly Zoom classes run by the Letchworth Centre of Healthy Living, I wouldn't have leant so heavily into the gift of space and perspective that meditation can give. It was all about grounding for me and quieting the noise and the anxiety. Of course, it doesn't take your problems away, but it creates a little breathing space to consider them with equanimity. And that's a useful tool to have in your arsenal. (Insert euphemism here.) The problem for me is my deeply ingrained fear and depression, which is hard to work around. I hate how depression zaps so much energy from me. It stagnates my creativity and fucks with my sense of self-worth; something which has become harder to sidestep in the past year, although I'm determined not to let it beat me.  It helps that I understand the cause of my poor mental health with more clarity now, in the wake of the atmosp...

The fact I'd hired a skip the same week I approach the end of my therapy while also taking part in an online meditation retreat was metaphor-tastic, to say the least. A skip forces you to consider what to throw away and what to keep, in the same way that therapy helps you discard or come to terms with some of the rubbish in your life. Sometimes, it's hard to let go of detritus, whether you want to or not. You can also remain attached to things that brought you no good and served no other purpose than familiarity. The brutal choices presented by the circumstances offer an opportunity to move on. That's not to say this will happen instantly, though it stands as a gesture towards it. There's nothing quite like throwing something huge away for taking a weight off your shoulders,  leaving a  sense of uplift and relief. (That paragraph was either profound or just collection of vague, circular sentences; answers on a postcard, marking the left-hand corner, "Dick".) T...

My mental health's very vulnerable at the moment, though I'm meditating regularly to keep it in check. I have classes every Tuesday, via Zoom (like so many other things right now) and took part in an online retreat last weekend too. We met three times that day via webcam for ninety-minute sessions of guided meditation and were encouraged to practise mindfulness in our own time too; not that I did much as it was my wife's birthday. And it certainly helped me slow my mind down for a bit (so much so, I fell asleep during one of the sessions). The problem is keeping on top of the low mood that seeps through. I have podcast interviews to research for and promote with little energy to do it, particularly when there's no real money coming in. I've spent the last few years trying to get the right agent, but the current climate will make taking on new clients unlikelier than usual. I know my circumstances are mirrored if not worsened the world over with COVID-19 and...

Today, I took part in my first online group meditation session via the video conferencing app Zoom (which is very much the app of the moment). It happened to start in the nick of time as I received an email from Just the Tonic seconds before to inform us off-the-record that this year's Edinburgh Fringe was cancelled. I knew it was unlikely to go ahead with the COVID-19 situation as it is, but it's still a blow that's hard to compute; particularly when I lost last year's Fringe to circumstances beyond my control too. The meditation session itself was great. My old meditation teacher Neelam led us through it with finesse. I'd booked to attend their in-person meditation classes this term, but hadn't been along, so the video version was a welcome diversion. There were fifteen of us taking part and a real sense of solidarity despite our enforced isolation as we followed Neelam's instructions; he has a wonderful turn of phrase that helps you see your prac...

I'm struggling a little with my meditation at the moment. For a few years, I've meditated almost daily, though admittedly, I've fallen off a bit recently. Perhaps that's the problem, although I think it's only part of it. While the motivation for meditation's often to calm the mind and ease stress and suffering, most teachers suggest not seeking goals; if a byproduct of your practice is a quieter mind then great, but if it isn't, that's fine too. The aim is to accept what's happening at the present moment and move on.  The reason I do it is to create space; for me, it's a breather. It's so easy to allow things to build to the point where you can't see the wood for the trees, and it's then I tend to step away from what I'm doing for ten minutes or so to restore clarity; it's not about creating false serenity so much as returning to now. Sometimes, distraction plagues your head, and when it does, you're meant to acknow...

I've got a little lapse with my meditation recently, which is stupid really as it's one of the most beneficial things I do. While I used to go to classes and have turned to various sources online for guided meditations in the past, by far my most frequent port of call is the app Headspace, which I've subscribed to for a couple of years now and would highly recommend to people from either end of the experience spectrum, from novice to guru. Anyone put off by the thought of a paid-for app would soon be bowled over by the amount of content available and how good it all is. As someone prone to suffer from insomnia in the past, I'd say it's almost worth subscribing just for for the meditation to aid sleep alone, which I used almost daily until recently, and have seldom remained conscious throughout; it's like audio chloroform. One way Headspace encourages you is by keeping track of how many days straight you've practised, as a kind of showing-off-to-yourself ...

I was holed up in my office today while the Royal Wedding took place, knuckling down on material for this week’s work-in-progress dates. Despite starting the day a little panicked by it all, I managed to have quite a productive day, I managed to write a short piece that has the potential to completely alter the direction for the show as a whole, and while I certainly won’t have time to instigate this change in tact before this week’s gigs, it’s at least injected some much-needed energy into proceedings and made me feel a little better about the whole thing. As I’ve said a couple of times lately, the hardest aspect of it all is keeping motivated when I’m largely an operation of one. I’ve not been having the best time recently and could do with a confidence boost from an outside source, instead of always having to encourage myself. I have a few plans to combat this, plus I have my PR, so hopefully this will help; I’m bored of thinking about it, reall...

According to Headspace , I’ve meditated 272 days in a row, which is no mean feat. I’m proud of myself for sticking with it and, while I was practising most days anyway before downloading the app, its been an invaluable addition to my life, helping me train my mind to healthily approach any challenges I may be faced with from day to day. I admit I was reticent to opt for a subscription-based service once my free trial had elapsed, despite finding those first few sessions useful. It’s funny how differently you can view paying for something that's slightly out of the norm; I wouldn’t flinch at spending a fiver a month on luxury or superfluous items such as chocolate, alcohol or magazines, yet committing the same amount to something that might benefit my well-being seemed too much; there was a sense of ‘would it be worth it?’ to the whole thing. I can now state categorically that it was . Headspace has a huge resource of guided meditations ...

Today’s been an exceptionally lazy day, mostly spent watching The Simpsons and Columbo on TV; in fact, I’ve barely moved more than my cat.  One thing I did do was post this cartoon on Twitter that I’d spotted in Private Eye recently and thought my friend Sarah would enjoy: It’s the look in their eyes that makes it for me. I love how distant and distracted they both are, seemingly caught up in the act of practising Mindfulness; something that amuses me while tipping a nod to a meditation technique I use daily at the moment to help keep my brain in check. When I first had mindfulness recommended to me, I was quite sniffy about it, believing it was little more than an act of middle-class ponciness; I’m now happy to admit I was wrong. I find myself in the strange position of being a cynic who also finds a lot of stock in things some people might take to be New Age in outlook. Applying that thought to mindfulness, however, would be to disregard a lot of scientific ev...

While I’ve been practising meditation for quite some time now, I’ve recently taken to using the mindfulness app 'Headspace' . If you’ve never meditated before, or you’re an old hand at it, it’s a great resource, offering daily ten-minute guided meditations that create a sense of progress, rather than stagnating and going through the same process every day. Until I started using the app, I’d often listen to a handful of audio guided meditations I have on my phone in case of a brain emergency. If you see me with my eyes closed and my earphones in on public transport, I’m probably doing this (unless I’m sleeping and using this blog as an elaborate alibi). While the tracks on my phone are great, they can get a little repetitive as I become too familiar with them and start to anticipate everything the person on the recording will say. This is where Headspace is great, as it offers you a daily course with a different focus each day, as well as pl...

The part of yesterday's meditation class I enjoyed the most, surprisingly, was when our teacher sent us into the grounds of the school where the lessons take place, to enjoy a fifteen minute stroll by ourselves.  He wasn't just playing for time, or getting rid of us so he could update his parking ticket. The purpose of the exercise was to enjoy a moment of mindful walking; taking in our surroundings with awareness, rather than being swept up with the thoughts in our head. This is something I've been trying to do more of late. I frequently find myself on my way to a gig, already in performance mode, wasting mental energy going over the same racing thoughts until suddenly, I'm at the railway station, wondering where that twenty-five minute walk went. It's disconcerting when you can't remember whether you looked before you crossed the road, or if bought or shoplifted that Cadbury's Twirl. It's much nicer to take in the colour of the flowers or the sweetne...

I'm finding meditation invaluable at the moment, when it comes to settling my frantic brain. Another thing I apply in huge doses is selective deafness. While there have been a lot of positive advances in my work and with my attitude this year, the first half of 2016 hasn’t been without its setbacks. There are plenty of niggles that could overshadow the good stuff if I let them. Take last week’s run on the Brighton Fringe: on the plus side, it was a huge advancement on the show I wrote and performed there the previous year. My first extended foray into solo stand-up was understandably tentative and careful, whereas this year’s show is already more confident, more varied and – I think – funnier than the one before. I’m prouder and more sure about it, despite my inbuilt and instinctive insecurities with what I do – yet sadly, no-one reviewed it thus far. Consequently, I’m set to enter my first solo Edinburgh Fringe with a couple of scathing reviews still lurking at the to...

I decided not to go to tonight's meditation class so I could free up some time to work on my show, but ended up using it to complete an email-based interview for an online listing site, which should help promote it. I'm glad I got it done quickly (I only received the questions today); it's good to strike while the iron's hot, plus I can start tomorrow on a fresh slate, rather than having to concern myself with admin.  Today's been busy, taking in a meeting to discuss a possible extra venue for Mostly Comedy to take on in the New Year - more details to follow - and a spot of dog-walking for my mum with my wife, and a visit to Kwik Fit to have a tire changed (on my wife's car; not on me). I've also managed to squeeze in good forty minutes plus of meditation, which has been invaluable for settling my mind in the midst of all the show-looming freneticism. Seeing my mum's do g helped too, as he's a good antidote to stress. I'm fully aware that today...

I've been practicing meditation more and more frequently in the past few weeks, to quieten my frenetic brain. I find it very helpful to slow down my thoughts, which often race ahead at a lick, and to focus on what I'm doing there and then. Like most things that are good for me, I expected to only meditate in fits and starts, but surprisingly, I'm pretty regular with it, though it's harder to commit and concentrate when I'm overtired and stressed. It's become an off/on part of my warm-up routine when preparing for a show. There are a string of vocal exercises I always do before a performance - partly to wake up my range, speech and diction and partly because I'd feel weird if I left them out - but meditation has certainly been added to the list. While mindfulness is currently in vogue and may seem a buzzword to a cynic, there's a lot to be said for it. Anything that helps you prioritise and take stock in where you're at can only be a good thing. On...

Tonight I returned to my meditation class, after missing last week’s session due to misjudging when I should leave the house to catch the bus: I'd put on hairspray for nothing. Frustratingly, I won’t be able to attend next week’s lesson either, which is the last one in term, because I have tickets to see Letters Live . Still, at least this is a cultured reason not to be there, which is far less embarrassing than missing the bus. As far as excuses go, it’s a vast improvement. I found it hard to focus on the practice tonight, partly because I was late and partly because I'd had a lot on my mind during the day that I couldn’t put to one side so easily. I kept finding myself drawn back to things I needed to sort out instead of my mantra or my breath. If anything, this background noise became my mantra, instead of the phrase I kept trying to get back to, but there were moments of silence amongst it all that helped. Now, it’s time for bed; staying up late to post a bl...

I’m looking forward to when my meditation class starts up again next week. It’s still something I practise most days, though however regularly I do it, there comes a point when I can do with a bit of a teacher-led ‘top-up’. I find it very useful for regulating my mood and bringing myself back into the present moment; a place where my mind is often reluctant to be. I’m always planning and looking ahead, or getting caught up in the minutiae of the past, so meditating is a good way to gently steer myself back to now. It’s also good for centring myself before I perform or helping me focus on the work I need to do. (*cough* Tax Return *cough*.) My teacher is excellent at finding new ways to look at meditation, or reminding me of the basics. It’s surprising how often you need to be nudged towards this. The human brain is so used to flitting between multi-tasking and self-judgement that being told that this is okay and normal can come as a relief. Something about my teacher’s p...

My meditation teacher has an alarming aptitude for explaining things clearly and succinctly. Seldom will a class go by without him making an excellent point or analogy illustrating the message he’s trying to get across. He makes you stop and think, which is great, as this constant reiteration of what’s important is vital, as it can be easily forgotten in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Far better to take stock of where you’re at from time to time, than let your plans run away with you. He’s very wise, that man. I nearly didn’t go to tonight’s lesson, as the weather was uninspiring, but I’m glad I did. I missed the beginning, due to public transport, and had to leave before the end as the class had overrun, but what I did take part in was worth being brave enough to venture out of the house. The only thing I didn’t appreciate was the journey there, as there were a handful of teenagers on the bus, being low-level threatening and unpleasant....

Things sometimes play on my mind at unhelpful times. This morning was a case in point. I woke up far earlier than I'd hoped, with a few niggles that I just couldn’t shake. Before long, I was wound up, both by what I was thinking about and when I was thinking about it; not that I’d made an active decision to mull things over, as my subconscious had made that decision for me. I eventually realised that I wasn’t getting anywhere and I certainly wasn’t going to fall back asleep. There also wasn't a chance of resolving what was on my mind, as this would involve talking to people who weren’t in my bed, and even if they were, it would have been rude to wake them up. I did what I should have done sooner and got up to make some breakfast and say hello to the cat (which isn't a euphemism). I also did something I got into the habit of doing when I was rehearsing my solo show earlier this year and wrote down what I felt needed resolving. This helps me shift from being o...