mostly david ephgrave

Don’t you hate it when a car drives past you with Beat It blaring from the radio and you try not to match the tempo with your feet? This sort of thing may not happen to you, but it certainly happens to me. Yesterday, in fact. There I was, innocently walking down the street at 139bpm when a Rover-driving Jacko fan appeared alongside me with his window wound down and his bass turned up. Try as I might, I couldn’t break from the rhythm. Thank God he wasn't listening to Billie Jean, or he would have expected the paving slabs beneath me to start lighting up. The speed of the traffic was such that he was next to me for ages. The awkwardness went on far longer that it should. It felt like my own personal mash up of Motown’s 25 th Anniverary special and Saturday Night Fever’s opening credits. I should have been wearing flares or white socks. I was relieved when he eventually pulled away. The next track on Thriller is Human Nature which is in half-time, and I don’t think I’d...

I'm thinking of starting my own course in Pavement Etiquette. I used to assume I was the root of the problem; that I was an inept pedestrian. I've since learnt that this isn't the case. It's everyone else. No-one knows where they're going. The instance that signposted this to me the most happened a few weeks ago, when I got off the train from London to Hitchin after a casting, at the exact  moment that secondary schools were turfing their students out. I walked along the narrow pathway out of the station that runs along a main road, straight into the path of a gang of kids spread out across the pavement. When I reached them, they made absolutely no attempt to move over and let me past. There was no malice behind it (it was probably down to their teenage lack of empathy). It just wasn't a consideration. My only option was to step into the main road; something I did both grudgingly and swearingly. It's not just the younger generation (am I old eno...

I’m starting to think that most people exist in a vacuum, completely unaware of anything going on around them. I spend far too much time trying to negotiate my way past people on the street who walk without any spatial awareness. This is particularly exhausting at the moment, as I’m suffering from labyrinthitis*. I feel like I’m constantly leaping from one potential collision to the next. Some travel at a snail’s pace, whilst staring at their phone. Others walk one way while facing another. Sometimes, whole families spread out across the pavement, creating the pedestrian equivalent to the Israeli West Bank Barrier. God forbid anyone who wants to squeeze past. Perhaps it's just me. Am I an inept pedestrian? Whatever it may be, I'm often the only one who's prepared to apologise, whether the near-smash was my fault or not. The world would be a happier and easier place to live in if we spared a thought for others, rather tha...

Thirty-two may be too late in the game to ask such a question – but is there a correct side to walk on the pavement? I used to be able to pass people heading in the opposite direction without incident. Those were the days: now, there's seldom a time it doesn't break into a spot of impromptu country dancing. The problem often starts at a distance. From the moment I spot a person on the horizon the heat is on . If I’m decisive it nearly ends in a head-on collision; if I’m not, I start veering across the pavement like a drunkard. It doesn’t help that I suffer from Labyrinthitis: possibly the world’s most unfortunately named condition. Mere mention of its name paints a vivid mental image of a tight-trousered Bowie that bears absolutely no relevence. Labyrinthitis is an inflammation of the inner ear that causes mixed messages to be sent to your brain regarding balance. It leads to bouts of vertigo that can last for weeks or months – and when it hits, all basic coord...