mostly david ephgrave

Tonight’s Halloween week of Strictly Come Dancing didn’t exactly set me alight. It’s always billed as one of the most exiting episodes of the series, but as with each week’s episode, whether it captures your imagination is a delicate balance between the celebrities appearing and their dances, outifts and themes. That’s not to say that hair and make-up didn’t go all out to make things look good; they always surpass themselves to make the show literally sparkle with imagination. Stacey and Kevin’s Doctor Who-style walz was a great example as they managed to make them look like The Doctor and a cyberman perfectly, while also hitting all the right buttons. While tonight’s show was a quieter affair for me, I still tweeted along with it. Here’s what I said: 6:52PM: Oh, opening VT: why so awkward? 6:54PM: Don't say Tess Daly's name three times, whatever you do. 7:00PM: "Zombie montage." https://twitter.co...

I plan to commit a crime so terrible, my house will one day be referred to as "The Old Ephgrave Place". I want kids to dare each other to touch my front door (which isn’t a euphemism) and to devalue the properties either side of me. I want whole websites dedicated to the ins and outs of the horrors that went on at my eponymously monikered dwelling and for people to travel from all corners of the globe just to see where I lived. I’ve decided this is the best and most viable career move to take to increase my infamy as, after fifteen years out of drama school, I’m stretching the definition of “up and coming comedian” to the limit. There’s a fine line to attempting to create a backstory akin to Michael Myers while also sustaining your employability; I haven’t quite figured out the mechanics to it. Firstly, do I pick a crime that’ll result in a brief prison sentence and then resurrect my performing career afterwards, or do I just enough to lift my profile without be...

As often seems to be the case when Strictly has a theme week, things were a little anticlimactic for me. Don’t get me wrong, there were some great moments - Debbie McGee’s terrific foxtrot for example, which was a joy to behold - but for the most part it was a little pedestrian; mainly in the instances when costumes didn’t match with the style of song a couple was dancing to. That said, those costumes, make-up and lighting were truly excellent, so gold stars all around. As ever, I tweeted along like a childish teenager with nothing better to do; see below for what I said. 6:39PM: How many shit ghost-related puns will Tess Daly gurn her way through this evening? 6:45PM: What, Anton? No sleeves? 6:46PM: "Singer...and face of a brand of condoms, Aston Merrygold." 6:52PM: It's like Tess Daly's not there when she's there. 6:56PM: Janette's make-up reminds me of what my cat looks like w...

Tonight’s Strictly Come Dancing was a Halloween special, with costumes and make-up galore (and that was just in the Ephgrave Household.) I tweeted along, as ever, like a teenager on their mobile during a school lunchbreak. See below for my meanderings: 6:45pm: By far the most terrifying fancy dress costume of tonight's #Strictly: the 'Tess Daly'. 6:46pm: Oh audience, you no clap in time no. 6:48pm: ...it's meant to be like a ghost train. 6:49pm: Is the choice of 'You Spin Me Round' for the group dance an intentional tribute or an accidental faux pas? 6:52pm: Bless Tess Daly for appearing on tonight's show before having the stitches removed for her eyebrow injury. 6:55pm: Louise Redknapp, in her VT: "This is the week I need to seriously grow some b̶a̶l̶l̶s̶ guts". 7:00pm: Kevin Clifton came to tonight's #Strictly as The Joker. Tess Daly has no idea what a joke...

Tonight, for the second year running , I went to a screening of the stabby Shatner-mask-wearing horror classic Halloween, at the Prince Charles Cinema.  ‎The couple next to me consisted of a man who was clearly a huge fan of the franchise and his girlfriend, who'd never seen the film before. I would have liked to ask her what she thought of it afterwards, but they ran off before I got the chance; presumably to get a head start on any boiler-suited psychopaths in the Leicester Square vicinity. It would have been hard to spot them tonight, what with all the people in fancy dress. You couldn't move for slutty cats (the go-to outfit option for a Essex hen do). I saw one woman dressed as a sexy Mario from Super Mario Bros; a look that was as unsuitable for Halloween as it was confusing.   As with last year, it was great to see it on the big screen. I didn't get to watch it first time around, unfortunately, on account of being minus three. It's an excellent example of...

Last night, I went to a screening of Halloween at the Prince Charles Cinema; definitely the darkest film in Mike Myers’ oeuvre. He didn’t do his Scottish accent once: either as a fat, ginger man in a kilt or a tiny-eared ogre. In fact he barely spoke. He spent most of the film curb crawling and breathing heavily. Perhaps he was concentrating. I’m surprised the sound department didn’t dub this out. I guess this was due to the tight budget. Either way, I hope Mike had a chest x-ray as soon as he'd finished shooting. (In reality, I know the difference between Mike Myers, the comic actor, and Michael Myers, the fictional knife-wielding maniac. I’m misunderstanding it for comic effect. You can’t deny we’re having fun, though. Please. Don’t.) It was nice to see Halloween on the big screen with an audience. A film like this is best enjoyed as a group, rather than on your own in an empty house. We’ve all made that mistake. I was surprised everyone wasn't more ...

Today is All Hallows’ Eve, or Hallowe’en – and what better way is there to mark a centuries-old Pagan festival than buying a novelty pasty? It’s an interesting marketing ploy on the part of Greggs The Bakers – and suggests they have a lot of faith in their product. I’m not sure that I would suggest the use of the prefix ‘scary’ if I was in charge of their advertising campaign; eating a Greggs pasty is daunting enough, without having to point it out. I’ve never understood the need for unnecessary gimmicks. If I want to buy a pasty, I want to buy a pasty; dressing it up with a Hallowe’en theme isn’t going to entice me in. I don’t look to savoury snacks to reflect current events; I look to them to satiate my appetite. Jumping onto every going trend just smacks of desperation. It’s like a few months ago, when Kate Middleton gave birth to the royal baby - and within hours, I received the following email from the rail company, London Mi...