mostly david ephgrave

It says a lot about an edition of University Challenge when the most notable thing about it is the thickness of a man’s beard. I remembered Raii’s facial hair from before; it’s pretty much engrained in my head, which was inevitable when you see just how pronounced it is. I don’t know how you’d grow one that’s so dense, and that’s coming from me: a proud pogonophile and pogonowearer; I can only imagine how satisfying it must be to stroke whilst pondering a particularly tricky brainteaser. When I wasn't studying his impressive facial hair growth tonight, I was tweeting about it. See below for my meanderings.  UCL Vs. St Hugh's - Oxford (06.11.17) 8:02PM: Raii's favourite book is The Catcher in the Raii. 8:03PM: "Shall we just get on with it?" Paxo loves his work. 8:04PM: Raii's beard is just PURE BEARD. 8:05PM: I've got an ousel-cock. I've also got thrush(es). 8:06PM: Looking at Raii's beard makes you instantly p...

Today, I had a terrifying moment when I looked in the mirror and realised I look like a dark-haired Noel Edmonds. No-one on the planet wants to discover that; except for Edmonds himself, unless he grapples with his own self-esteem. At least when he had a goatee, I was safe; now he sports that bizarre mascaraed-in affair, I’m doomed. I may as well surround myself in boxes and open a theme park at Cricket St. Thomas. ( TRIVIA .) …Noel Edmonds though; fuck’s sake. Not Noel. Not helicopter-flying, cancer-defying-device-inventing Noel. Not the man whose face adorns every second fruit machine in the country. He’s a person with very few redeeming features; at least Hitler could paint. I guess this outcome was inevitable. I was suckered in by his suaveness at an early age. I even bought the Mr Blobby single on vinyl, for Christ’s sake. How could I pride myself in my taste in music and own a copy of that? It wasn't even for charity; at least Deeply Dippy came with an alibi...

It was inevitable that I’d briefly experiment with a tache when I shaved off my beard this morning. I looked like a gimp, as you’d expect. Thankfully, no-one saw me, as I was alone in the bathroom at the time (a place where I seldom have an audience). I hadn’t intended to remove the beard at first, just tidy it up, until intrigue got the better of me; after a while, you start to wonder what’s lurking beneath. In my case, it was just my face, which was grimly predictable. I’m could never pull off a moustache (not literally), even as a Movember-inspired novelty; I just don’t get the below-nose coverage. Not that they’re a good look, unless you’re Selleck, Boycie or a Pepper-era Lennon. That's the only lip-warmer I’d flirt with, if Rufus Hound hadn’t got there first. In fact, I tried it today. I’ll let you into a secret: it looked shit.

Over the past week my beard has crept back onto my face. This makes it sound like a separate entity; a hairy beast that skulks around my flat and crawls up my body when I’m sleeping, returning to its rightful place. It’s worth clarifying that my beard doesn’t have a mind of its own – but it has grown back despite my best intentions. For almost as long as I could manage it, I’ve had facial hair. I’m not talking about my eyebrows – they’re a given – but a variety of supplementary adornments, grown according to my personal taste. My love of music certainly played a part: I used to wish I was a child of the Sixties – and if I couldn’t make that dream a reality, I could make myself look the part at the very least. I used to sport a massive pair of muttonchops, that got abuse and praise in equal measure. People would speed past me in their cars, shouting “SIDBURNS” out of the window – as if I was unaware I had them and needed some kind of verbal warning. At drama sc...

Why do some people insist on wearing t-shirts like this? I understand that taste is subjective; one man’s idea of what constitutes fashion may differ wildly from the next. Let’s be clear, though: while style is certainly a matter of personal opinion, if you choose to walk a round with an outsize painting of a wolf on your chest, then yours is the wrong personal opinion . The same goes for having a wolf-themed tyre-cover on the back of your 4x4. I’ve got nothing against wolves, per se. They certainly have their place – but that place isn’t on another man’s chest. I’ve never seen a coyote wearing a t-shirt with a man on it; why would the other way around be acceptable? To be fair, I’ve seldom seen a wolf dressed in anything – save the occasional bit of sheep’s clothing. I’m generally not one for wearing clothing with pictures on it – or worse still, text.  I can’t really comprehend why you’d want t...