mostly david ephgrave

I'm grateful for the little light that came on today, metaphorically speaking*, while playing a few old songs on my acoustic. It was like a gap in my DNA was filled** to complete me. I felt comfortable despite being out of practice, and for once, I didn't question what I was doing; it just felt right. I had a brief moment of clarity that wasn't undercut by my mood or sense of self-worth. If I can tap into this, it might give me the impetus to start something new. It probably helps that I've been revisiting the songs from my 2018 standup show, 'David Ephgrave: My Part in His Downfall', by posting video clips of them on social media as a placeholder until I start my next project (whatever that is). In truth, it's hard to know where to begin with that. The combination of Mostly Comedy's closure after so much difficulty and my long, drawn-out route back to the Fringe has left me burnt out emotionally, creatively and financially, and I need a chance to regrou...

Planning Clary Saddler's and my new Paul McCartney-themed podcast The McCartney McAlphabet (which we start recording tomorrow) is proving to be a pleasant distraction from the norm. Artwork for the podcast, using a picture I took myself, no less (back when Paul didn't have a face). It helps that it's a subject I've engrossed myself in for a good thirty years, so I'd like to think finding something to talk about shouldn't be too much of a stretch. That said, I'm still slightly worried that I haven't done enough homework. The fact two of us are doing it inevitably brings on a form of "Are we doing Christmas presents this year?"-style panic. What if she's done reams of nuanced research and all I've got is a post-it note with "He plays bass" written on it? I think it's something we need to start to find out what needs doing. Most importantly it should be fun. Just the thought of a new project is exciting. I haven't looked...

If you're finding the coronavirus situation difficult, that's okay; It's not easy, by definition. At the moment, there are so many triggers to panic; if you're not worried about you or someone you care about getting ill, you're probably concerned about food or money. We've never had circumstances like this in living memory, so there's no precedent to reference; the nearest comparison is probably the second world war, but that's only glancingly similar. In the past few days, my plans for 2020 were upturned, with my main work focus - taking a new show to the Edinburgh Fringe - excised from the diary, with the other two festivals I'd been down for at least postponed if not cancelled too. On top of this, my day job - Mostly Comedy - is on indefinite hiatus, with a JustGiving page offering a temporary lifeline, but the longterm gameplan's concerning; the money we're raising will cover some of our running costs, but I'll be unpaid unt...

I'm currently struggling to deal with my feelings about the direction my life is going; partly to do with the coronavirus situation and partly not. The future's always been a difficult concept for me to consider, or believe in. It doesn't help that my circumstances when I was a child hardwired a sense of not being worthy of happiness or good enough. While I've spent years working on being kinder to myself and now understand that the idea that I don't deserve to be happy is irrational, I'm still very hard on myself. I put myself down quickly, and worry that I don't work hard enough or serve a purpose, or provide sufficiently for my family. As a teenager, I couldn't look ahead. I put a time-limit on my life, and while I was very ambitious, I told myself I wouldn't make it past nineteen. It felt like my parents' problems were my fault and mine to fix, and mine were unimportant. At best, I was a creative person - what with my band and my int...

There’s a lot to be said for putting aside some time for reading, which I did today. I’m in a strange no-man’s land after last week’s hectic ending, which has been reemphasised by my wife visiting her mum today to help clear out her shed. I still have lots to do - lots I tell you - but the urgency’s lessened for the first time in weeks; it’s a temporary respite or the calm before the storm, depending on how you look at it. Consequently, I spent the afternoon getting better acquainted with Robert Harris’ latest novel 'Munich', which my wife bought me for my birthday. This was a much-needed treat; it felt good to do something for the enjoyment instead of filling every free minute with work. I spend too much time trying to be productive, seeking to cram in as much as I can. My journeys to and from Brighton last week were a perfect case in point, as I was on my computer hroughout. While it’s great to make the most of the time available, there’s a lot to be said for doing ...

I long to establish a clear working structure to my day, so I can keep track of my achievements instead of feeling the goalposts are constantly moving, and avoid feeling chased, panicked or back-footed by the outside influences that inevitably get in my way. This is one of the downsides to self-employment, particularly when the majority of your work is self-generated; it's hard enough to give yourself time to prepare for an acting (or actor / muso) job for an outside company, let alone when you’re working for yourself. I have a musician friend for whom function gigs provide the majority of his income, yet his partner often forgets the gig is just a fraction of the job as he also needs to learn the music. While she understands this work needs to be done in principle, as far as she's concerned, if he’s at home then he’s available; consequently the majority of his preparatory time is spent doing odd-jobs around the house. I know the feeling, though for a completely differ...

My friend’s cat - who I’ve been looking after for the past week or so - is a bit of a tart. "Draw me like one of your French girls... " To be fair, my cat isn’t much better; in fact, the body language is alarmingly familiar. But I don’t mind; I was more than happy to give my neighbour's cat a fuss when I went to visit today for the last time before her owner returns from her holiday; it seemed only right that I should give her a thorough brushing before her human comes back. She’s actually very good company, and visiting her is no trouble at all as she lives less than a minute away from me. My friend’s flat also makes for a pleasant change of scenery when I’m working; like today for example, when I ran through the vast majority of my new material there while her cat came and went. I’m sure I’ll be looking after her again before long, as I tend to be my friend’s first port-of-call when she goes away. I don’t mind: it’s nice to be thought of, even if I end ...

Today was long but productive, even if was filled predominantly with admin. What pleased me most was I managed to do a little work on some material that, while brief, felt promising; at least I seem to be slowly and gently heading in the right direction with it. I’m trying to do just the right amount of tinkering with ideas without working for so long I become stale and frazzled with it, which suits my currently slightly battle-worn brain. My main mission today was to try and settle an issue regarding medication that had been prescribed to me by the specialist I saw about my constant dizziness a few weeks ago , which ran out yesterday, but I couldn’t get a repeat because the write-up for my appointment hadn’t been forwarded to my GP yet and I had no clear record of what had taken place. While all parties concerned were extremely helpful it still took two phone calls to the hospital where I had my appointment, two calls to 111 to seek authorization ...

I’m feeling a little rudderless at the moment. It’s not that I’m not doing things; I managed to fit in a lot yesterday, including trying to programme some work-in-progress dates on the Brighton Fringe in May, doing admin for ‘Now Who’s a Comedian?’ at next February’s Leicester Comedy Festival, booking acts for Mostly Comedy, emailing agents for my Leicester Square Theatre shows in a fortnight and sorting through some rubbish at home…but I took no satisfaction in any of it; it felt like delay tactics. In truth, I’m finding it hard to motivate myself after Edinburgh and to set to work on something new without some kind of positive change to act as a catalyst. A lot of this stems from my tiredness at the endless self-generating with little outside influence. I’m bored of spending more time as a comedy promoter - which I never intended to be - than anything else. I care about Mostly Comedy and am proud of its accomplishments, but I’d like to be back to...

For the past few days I’ve been feeling unusually dizzy, which is very frustrating. I’ve mentioned here before that I suffer on-and-off from the balance-related condition labyrinthitis, which first floored me ( almost literally) toward the end of 2010 when I was in the West End musical Dreamboats and Petticoats. It hit me one night while I was on-stage waiting for the curtain to go up for the first half, when all of sudden, I felt like I was going to collapse. I warned the Company Manager instantly, but there was little time to set about the understudy changes for me to come off; I told him I’d be all right, but eventually had to leave the stage at a subtle moment mid-show, as I didn’t feel I had control of the situation, and could easily faint. It was very frightening at the time, as I’d never experienced anything like it. When I went to the doctors’ they explained to me what it most likely was, but warned me that it could take months to pass. Unfortunately they were righ...

Today was a busy day of jumping from one thing to another, but ended up being productive nevertheless. I started the day feeling quite negative and overwhelmed by the situation I’m in work-wise at the moment and the things I need to do. If I allow myself to frame things negatively - which I’m prone to - there’s a sense that nothing’s changing and that aspects of my career are stagnating and won’t improve. Cast the net too widely and you can give yourself the distorted view that everyone else is better off than you; Facebook is a huge culprit in feeding this, which is why I try to keep my distance when I’m not at my best. Thankfully, a meeting this morning helped me vent my frustrations and reminded me of the good things that have happened recently that I’d forgotten. I came away invigorated and with a greater sense of purpose once I’d cleared the mental fug I’d woken up in. As I left, I picked up a message from my friend Sarah suggesting we...

I had a nice relaxing evening tonight, switched off from thoughts of anything work-related. I feel guilty when I say things like this, like p eople would question what I do as being 'work'. That's a ridiculous mindset for a 34-year-old to consistently be in - or does everybody insecure about this? I shouldn't feel the need to justify what I do; I'm a self-employed performer who has always earnt a living in this field. My CV vouches for this. I've toured the country, appeared on TV (albeit in adverts) and been in the West End (and not just as a tourist), yet somehow my career doesn't seem real or tangible. Not just that; I also feel the need to rationalise why I might want a night off from thinking about what I need to do the next day. ...I'm essentially a bit of a fucking idiot. It helps that I met with Glyn today and we discussed a lot of things that need to be done. It was time well spent. I also phoned our Mostly Comedy technician Paul to talk thro...