mostly david ephgrave

Every time I hear a police siren, I sing the beginning of The Bill's theme tune in my head. This is an almost constant affliction, thanks to the dodgy area I live in, that is starting to get on my nerves. Anyone who doesn’t believe I do it should take a look at the first episode of mine and Glyn’s 2010 Edinburgh video diary (specifically at the 9.41 mark) for evidence. See? What a dick. What makes it worse is it’s now a retrogressive reference. The Bill’s final episode was broadcast on the 31 st of August 2010, yet I’m still going strong. I’ll never stop. If in fifty years time the planet is on the other side of nuclear Armageddon, with only me and a police officer surviving, if their car was functioning and they passed me on the street, I’d still sing it. Providing their siren was working as well. (That situation was too specific.) It’s not just police cars that set me off, but any klaxon-blaring member of the emergency services. I don’t discriminate. Any excuse...

I recently reached the conclusion that when it comes to getting irritating music out of your head, the theme from The Krypton Factor is the perfect palate cleanser.  I discovered this by chance whilst watching the Freeview channel, Challenge. I’d had the theme from Minder stuck in my head for days; it seems that my only prerequisite when listening to music is that it must feature in the opening or closing credits of an Eighties TV programme. Dennis Waterman was the soundtrack to my every waking moment. I couldn’t walk the street without subconsciously keeping tempo with the theme. It was like being constantly shadowed by an aging ginger cockney, a jaunty pianist and a small, tight, brass section. No sooner did Gordon Burns - texture like Sun - appear on my screen, than Dennis Waterman sprinted out of the building. The building of my mind, that is. I was free at last. What made it even better was The Krypton Factor theme didn’t seem to hang about. ...