mostly david ephgrave

While writing my new show's progressing reasonably steadily, in my heart, I know it needs to be the last project I do alone for some time. I guess it was my choice - though it often doesn't feel like it - that most things I do now are self-generated, but they all leave me needing to draw on a reserve of self-belief that's fragile at best. I have to ignore so much negative reinforcement to keep going, which is hard when the personal problems I've suffered have much the same impact. The truth is that what I do is increasingly lonely, and isolation triggers the false narratives my past can dredge up. I think my abandonment issues are understandable, but it doesn't stop them from dragging me back. And recent events in my life have reinforced my lack of self-worth, making it harder to ignore them. I didn't deliberately set out to be a solo performer. I was in a band and a double act and sought healthy collaboration. And while being an actor inevitably requires forgin...

I had a small flash of inspiration this morning regarding this blog and how to reframe my writer's block. As someone with a tradition for self-judgement, my recent dropoff from posting regular content here has been a source of genuine frustration. When I started this blog eight years ago, the intention was to find a way through my depression by giving myself a daily deadline, with one eye on the metaphorical rearview mirror at writing standup material too. For that first twelve months, I never missed a day, and while plenty of my posts were flawed, there was still a sense of a forward trajectory and improvement (in both my writing ability and my mood). Retrospectively, I'd say my expectations were too punishing. What had started as a motivational tool quickly became another reason to flay myself if I didn't keep up my productivity. Consequently, I'd be up late at night trying to finish blogs that were going nowhere due to tiredness and frustration. And while this daily ...

Yesterday's podcast interview with Anna Morris was another nice one, with some lovely stories about fortuitous moments, where the universe just seemed to step in on her behalf. Stills from last night's ZOOMostly Comedy with Anna Morris. While I'm a realist, perhaps counterintuitively, I'm also a firm believer in following the moment without overthinking it too. When it comes to creativity, that's often the best route to take. The best ideas usually come quickly and almost of their own accord when you're not stretching for them, though that's not to say you don't still have to put in a lot of work to shape them afterwards. But there's a lot to be said for being open and ready for the moment when your subconscious dredges up something good. The best example of this for me was when I was still an active songwriter. Back then, only the moments that surprised me that felt worth pursuing. While I could churn out a basic song with a beginning...

After five and a half years, Glyn and I have moved to a bigger office on the same premises, which now puts us at the advantage of having room to swing a Bengal tiger. When we took on the first space, we worried if we could justify it, but despite being the size of a modest broom-cupboard (with just enough room to keep a dustpan & brush), we put it to good use; all my solo shows were written and rehearsed there, and the majority of our radio shows were recorded there too, which was a bit of a squeeze for the three of us involved.  It was also a storeroom for our Mostly Comedy gear in-between shows, which pretty much rendered it impossible to run our material there without kissing. (Like that's an excuse.) While it's sad to see it go (admittedly only across the corridor) the move is a positive step that reeks of potential. The new office is actually two rooms - one the size of our original office and another approximately six times bigger - which enables us to ke...

I know I've mentioned it before, but I feel entirely zapped of creativity at the moment; circumstances are such that I'd currently struggle to define myself as a comedian, or anything else. At best, I'd put myself as a frustrated comedy promoter in that all I'm doing is keeping my club ticking over post-Edinburgh without deriving much joy from it. My enthusiasm has taken a severe dip in the wake of attempting to settle my private situation and the knock to my confidence was compounded by the loss of my dad and by pulling Edinburgh, despite the attention and encouragement I'd received in advance; I feel like I conned the people who donated to my JustGiving page, despite the fact that cancelling the run cost more than the money I raised to do it. Outside of running the club, I can keep a low profile for awhile - I'm not going up for castings and the Mostly gigs are the only performance dates in the diary - but I'd still sooner not be doing stand-up th...

I've inevitably cancelled tomorrow's work-in-progress date in Brighton as the situation with my dad's taken over so much I haven't had time to think about it. I'm hoping that scratching the show from my diary will open up time to think about next week's one, though in reality, my dadmin seems set to overwhelm all other plans at the moment. On top of this, a load of interwoven Mostly Comedy work that had to be completed very quickly has taken up what little brain space I had left. My main motivation right now is my dad's safety, but it's proving hard to keep on top of this when he's become so lapse with the basics. Today, my aunt and uncle went over to visit to report back their concerns to my mum, who called me, asking if I could try to get hold of him on the phone as no-one else was having any luck. In the end, I pulled rank by dropping in on the Amazon Echo I bought him primarily for this reason (I always give him the option to answer first but...

I’ve managed to have a reasonably restful day, despite fitting a lot in, primarily due to looking after my mum’s pets, as I wrote yesterday. I had a particularly unusual moment as I sang through a few of my songs from my show, when I realised the song I was running through - Shit Happens - was actually written a hundred yards down the road at our old house on the same street; it was weird to think one of my signature songs was written in the same postcode. I can still picture quite working on it in my bedroom all those years ago. We only lived here for a short while before my mum briefly moved to Norfolk to open a B&B and I moved into my first flat and went to drama school. Musically speaking, this period coincided with the tail end my band being a four-piece and our then lead guitarist leaving dramatically and the three of us deciding to carry on as a three-piece without him, so it was a crucial time in our development; it was also a key momen...

If there's one thing a quick flick through my blogs from the last few days reveals it's that I need to stop writing just before bed, as that's when the gibberish bug bites me most often and I end up writing a load of nonsense. It's embarrassing to see the rubbish I've written while attempting to work through my tiredness. I don't know why I insist on doing it as it seldom results in anything good, and it's also not an enjoyable process; if I start writing after a certain point I'll just end up chasing the clock and that's not fun for anyone, be they the reader or the writer.  I find this blog goes through cycles; flitting from being a useful place to vent my frustrations or make positive observations, to just being a weight around my neck. When I was up in Edinburgh, for example, it was surprisingly easy to write every day despite the inevitable monotony of the festival, but since I've been home it's not been fun at all; it's become a...

Every task that needs doing at the moment seems to take me further from working on my show. It didn’t help that I accompanied my dad to the hospital this morning for an appointment that ended up being pointless as the scan results he was there to receive were unavailable. I wanted to be there for moral support, but when you end up waiting the best - or worst - part of two hours for someone to tell you your appointment was meant to be cancelled, but you were the only people left out of the loop, you can’t help but shake your fist at the sky. There then followed various bits of personal and work-related admin to contend with, until before I know it, another day has gone and I hadn’t really progressed. It’s so frustrating; I know I’m going to have to drop everything next week with the exception of Thursday’s Hitchin Mostly, or I’ll never buckle down to the point I feel I have a full sixty minutes. n other news, here's an interview I did last week for West End Wilma about this...

I’m aware time is ticking regarding this year’s Fringe, though I’m trying my best to be measured in my response and not be overwhelmed by it. I’m finding it hard to get in the right frame of mind this year, and while there’s a sense things are moving forward at my work-in-progress shows, I’m weary of talking myself up. I hate it when the process starts to feel so serious as that’s the worst frame of mind for writing comedy. This is why I’m not going to labour the point today as I’ll only blow smoke under the harder parts of what I’m doing; sometimes I don’t want to be asked about it, by myself or by anyone else. The best approach is to be gentle and delicate and only dip in and out of it as much as is necessary. It’s been a hard few years of working alone from which I’d like a break. The good news is now able to pay myself more for the effort I put into Mostly Comedy, but the bad news is it still takes up too much energy. I’m hoping I can begin to strike a more healthy balance, t...

Today’s been a day for mass admin, and while that normally makes me frustrated I’m not using the time to be creative, I can at least rest safe in the knowledge I’ve done my best to clear the decks so I can work on my show next week. Next week’s a busy one, with a couple of hospital appointments and a blood test and to contend with, interspersed with a special one-off Mostly Comedy at London’s RAF Museum on Thursday (because comedy loves planes) and a work-in-progress date in Camden on Sunday. Out of all of these things, Sunday’s gig is my personal priority as I don’t want to waste any chances to get my Edinburgh show together, but I suspect it’s going to be the thing I spend the least time on, once everything else gets in the way. That’s why I worked so hard today to tie up any lose ends, in the hope I’ll be able to focus my energy on writing next week, though I find days with a medical appointment in their midst become more about the appointment than anyt...

There’s a lot to be said for putting aside some time for reading, which I did today. I’m in a strange no-man’s land after last week’s hectic ending, which has been reemphasised by my wife visiting her mum today to help clear out her shed. I still have lots to do - lots I tell you - but the urgency’s lessened for the first time in weeks; it’s a temporary respite or the calm before the storm, depending on how you look at it. Consequently, I spent the afternoon getting better acquainted with Robert Harris’ latest novel 'Munich', which my wife bought me for my birthday. This was a much-needed treat; it felt good to do something for the enjoyment instead of filling every free minute with work. I spend too much time trying to be productive, seeking to cram in as much as I can. My journeys to and from Brighton last week were a perfect case in point, as I was on my computer hroughout. While it’s great to make the most of the time available, there’s a lot to be said for doing ...

Today, I listened to the audio of a lost episode of the TV version of Hancock’s Half Hour that I haven’t heard before (the 'Horror Serial') and it’s testament to how good Galton & Simpson’s writing was and how well the cast brought the dialogue to life that it held up brilliantly without pictures and was just as funny as much of their best work. The episode is included as part of volume one of the BBC’s Hancock Collectibles series, which I bought the other day (using a voucher given to me for my birthday no less) and was a treat to hear. I must have seen and heard pretty much all of their surviving work from this period countless times - not to mention a fair few of the lost episodes that were remade for BBC Radio 4’s excellent ‘The Missing Hancocks’ series (which I attended two recordings of, thanks to the kindness of Kevin Eldon) - so it was a definite treat to be confronted with an episode I’d never experienced. It was a bit like dreaming you were listening to an un...

I was holed up in my office today while the Royal Wedding took place, knuckling down on material for this week’s work-in-progress dates. Despite starting the day a little panicked by it all, I managed to have quite a productive day, I managed to write a short piece that has the potential to completely alter the direction for the show as a whole, and while I certainly won’t have time to instigate this change in tact before this week’s gigs, it’s at least injected some much-needed energy into proceedings and made me feel a little better about the whole thing. As I’ve said a couple of times lately, the hardest aspect of it all is keeping motivated when I’m largely an operation of one. I’ve not been having the best time recently and could do with a confidence boost from an outside source, instead of always having to encourage myself. I have a few plans to combat this, plus I have my PR, so hopefully this will help; I’m bored of thinking about it, reall...

My friend’s cat - who I’ve been looking after for the past week or so - is a bit of a tart. "Draw me like one of your French girls... " To be fair, my cat isn’t much better; in fact, the body language is alarmingly familiar. But I don’t mind; I was more than happy to give my neighbour's cat a fuss when I went to visit today for the last time before her owner returns from her holiday; it seemed only right that I should give her a thorough brushing before her human comes back. She’s actually very good company, and visiting her is no trouble at all as she lives less than a minute away from me. My friend’s flat also makes for a pleasant change of scenery when I’m working; like today for example, when I ran through the vast majority of my new material there while her cat came and went. I’m sure I’ll be looking after her again before long, as I tend to be my friend’s first port-of-call when she goes away. I don’t mind: it’s nice to be thought of, even if I end ...

Tonight I went out for a meal with my wife as a treat, using a gift card that had been given to us a while a go by a friend for cat-sitting while she went on holiday (something we’re actually doing at the moment too). It was nice to do something that was just for us, particularly as things have been stressful of late. We went to the local restaurant Hermitage Road, which is always lovely and didn’t disappoint tonight. It was a pleasant evening after a day that had left me pretty uptight with all the things I have to do at the moment and how behind on them I feel. I’d been trying to work today, which proved difficult; even writing this is a challenge as I’m so tired; these two paragraphs have taken far longer than they should. I guess the trick is not push it at times like this as it only makes it more frustrating, Ultimately, I’m beginning to pull material together so I’m not in a bad position, it just feels like it as I’m always working to a tight...

I’m finding it difficult to source the energy to be creative at the moment. The root of the cause, put simply, is it’s been a difficult few months, which have yet to become significantly less challenging. This, combined with a truckload of extra Mostly Comedys (including our shows in St Albans, which kick off this week) have made it hard to devote the requisite headspace to get on with any writing. There's also no-one to chivvy me along or tell me when I’m doing well, which makes it hard to approach what I’m doing with enthusiasm and confidence; that’s not to say I haven’t got a few bits on the back-burner that show promise (and no-one wants to burn their back-bits) though my brain’s so frazzled, I can only work for a few minutes at a time before I’m spent. I feel like a student who’s behind on his coursework, yet can’t be bothered to get on with it, except it’s not so much a case of not being bothered as feeling no-one else cares about what I ...

Today was long but productive, even if was filled predominantly with admin. What pleased me most was I managed to do a little work on some material that, while brief, felt promising; at least I seem to be slowly and gently heading in the right direction with it. I’m trying to do just the right amount of tinkering with ideas without working for so long I become stale and frazzled with it, which suits my currently slightly battle-worn brain. My main mission today was to try and settle an issue regarding medication that had been prescribed to me by the specialist I saw about my constant dizziness a few weeks ago , which ran out yesterday, but I couldn’t get a repeat because the write-up for my appointment hadn’t been forwarded to my GP yet and I had no clear record of what had taken place. While all parties concerned were extremely helpful it still took two phone calls to the hospital where I had my appointment, two calls to 111 to seek authorization ...

One thing I’m finding hard to get my head around as I approach another Edinburgh is ignoring the loneliness that goes with putting together a solo show again. (This will be my fourth in three years, or my difficult fourth album.) I don’t know what it is - it’s probably just cumulative - but I’m finding it difficult to work up the requisite energy. I think it's partly due to the lack of an outside influence to coerce me into doing it. Most of what I do starts and ends with me, and with each passing year, this self-sufficiency becomes boring; I long for the time when someone else brings something to the table that excites and inspires me and becomes a kicking-off point for something creative, but that's not really an option now I'm no longer in a band and my double act's been on a low pilot-light for a few years. Despite my despondent tone, today's actually been a good day creatively, after a thorough sifting through my blog (...

My cat's on my lap so often at the moment you'd be forgiven for confusing me with Donald Pleasance's Blofeld if she weren't grey instead of white. The fact she's so desperate for attention right now has coincided perfectly with a time when I really crave the company myself. It's nice to have a cat cuddle when you're not feeling your best as it reminds you of what's important. It's like a psychological and proverbial reset button that roots you back in the moment, which is pure mindfulness in action; there's something very simple and real about it, which can be really very comforting, even if she's just sitting on me to steal my warmth. She's also been inadvertently helping me with my writing, by offering uncluttered moral support. In many ways she's my best critic; she certainly seems to like me whatever I do. Either way, I'm grateful for the distraction at a stressful time; aren't we all?