I went into the
office today with the intention of doing some work to promote next month's performance of my solo show, but ultimately, I couldn’t
find the enthusiasm to do it.
It’s not that I
don’t have faith in the show itself (though like any creative person, I
flit between thinking what I do is good or awful with alarming speed and
frequency). It’s just that today, for whatever reason, I wasn’t in the mood to big something up for what seems like the millionth time, to no apparent
interest.
I know that
sounds a little maudlin and self-pitying. The last bit’s also not strictly
true; it’s just how it feels today, at this present moment. Working alone is
hard; there’s no two ways about it. You only have yourself to depend on, and if
you start feeling negative, this feeds laziness and apathy, which in turn,
makes you feel worse. I’ve never been good at maintaining self-belief,
particularly when no-one’s investing in what I do, or cajoling me on to do it.
It doesn’t help
that I’m currently, strictly, unrepresented. There’s no-one bigging me up,
actively promoting me, or getting me work. I’m my own agent, producer and PR
and if I’m honest, I’m sick of it. I pride myself in being a good multi-tasker
and I know how to pull together an event, such as Mostly Comedy or – previously
–my Sixties show Glad All Over, but this tendency to organise everything hasn’t
done me any favours in the long-run. The comedy club is a good case in point;
it’s now stupidly successful, in terms of the acts that play it - Rory Bremner
next month - and the audience interest, but when it comes to
promoting my solo show, conversely, few people turns up. I’m exaggerating a bit,
but it can feel like it; I’ve just got to the point when I need someone in
the industry to take an active interest, so I feel like what I’m doing
is worthy of it.
To be fair, when
it comes to much of my career, I’ve been spoilt. I’ve toured
the country, playing the majority of its biggest theatres, and worked in
the West End. I’ve taken shows to the Edinburgh, Leicester, Brighton, Camden and Bath
Festivals and even been in adverts for Volkswagen and the AA, for Crissakes - the acting "toppermost of the poppermost" -
but when it comes to my comedy career, I’m unsatisfied with where I'm at.
Perhaps I need a break. I should also put things into perspective:
it’s a sunny day and it’s nearly the weekend. Most importantly of all, my biscuit
barrel’s fit to bursting; if it was empty, I’d be at my wits end. Someone give
me a shot of positivity, please.