Ol' Bake-Off Blue Eyes.

To mark the return of the Great British Bake Off today, I thought I'd share a few of the tweets I've posted about the show's striking male judge over the past six years. 

I swear I'm not obsessed. 
Paul Hollywood is as nifty with an oven as he is with a Remington MB4045 Beard Trimmer. #GBBO

You don't want to know what Paul Hollywood keeps in his garage. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's beard is backlit. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's eyes can see through walls. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's hair is the definition of precise. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood despises cufflinks. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood. Yellow shirt. No cufflinks. Cowboy stance. Yes. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's hair comes off in one piece. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood has a room in his house that's devoted entirely to hair product. #GBBO

Look at Paul Hollywood's chunky watch. He's so manly. #gbbo

Paul Hollywood, rocking his line-dancing stance. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's hair could cut glass. #GBBO

If Paul Hollywood goes out on a bike he doesn't need to wear a helmet. #SolidHair #GBBO

I bet when Paul Hollywood gets home, he switches on the television, kicks back his feet and puts ON a pair of cufflinks. #gbbo

The cross-hatch of Paul Hollywood's fringe alternates between 'forward'...'up'...'forward'...'up'. #GBBO

If you bought Paul Hollywood a pair of cuff-links for Christmas he'd punch you in the face. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood inspires long-dormant homoerotic urges that I never knew I had. #GBBO


The Mary Rose is constantly sprayed with water to prevent decay. Paul Hollywood's beard trimming regime is similarly relentless. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood's fringe is gently reminiscent of a salt-and-pepper sea smashing against the shore. #GBBO

NOTE TO SELF: must perfect Paul Hollywood's hands-in-pockets, cuffs-rolled-up, steely middle-distance stare. #GBBO

You'd think Paul Hollywood's budget would stretch to a pair of cufflinks. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood oozes liquid masculinity. Not that I've noticed. #GBBO

When Paul Hollywood adopts his hands-in-pockets stance he looks like he's about to do a line-dance. #GBBO

The solidity of Paul Hollywood's hair means he need never wear a hard hat on a building site. #GBBO

Nothing worse than having your nuts all crammed into one area, Paul. #GBBO

Paul's black shirt offsets the salt & pepper beard nicely. #GBBO

Paul Hollywood intimidates me sexually. #GBBO

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more