Chatta-Twitter Choo Choo.


I mentioned a few days ago, after using a blog-post as an excuse to collate my many tweets on the subject of buses, that I’d eventually do the same with the ones about trains. This was originally meant to be a joke, but the bus blog was so popular - forty-one views and counting - that I couldn’t ignore the interest.   

So, here it is. If you like concise commentary about public transport, you’ve come to the right place.

I derive far too much pleasure and satisfaction from being the first person off the train and through the ticket barrier.

The man sat next to me on the train who sucked his fingers after finishing his crisps made me feel like I was party to it.

Got to the station earlier than I needed to, so have taken the slow train as a 'treat'.

Woman on the train, complaining that she "Hasn't had no time to wrap anything". I need graph paper to work out the double-negatives.

The train driver just pronounced St Neots 'Stneots".

Businessman on train just said he has a 'number two in the pipeline'. Childish, but amusing.

I HOPE THE BUSINESSMAN ON THE TRAIN CONTINUES TO SPEAK AT THIS VOLUME FOR THE DURATION OF THE JOURNEY.

Everyone in this train carriage is party to the scent of my satsuma.

Man on train talking loudly to his friends about "the singer, Nick Hucknall". Annoying on many levels.

There's a man on the train who doesn't know all the words to Heads, Shoulders, Knees and Toes.

Woman on train: "It's bumpy, innit, on this road"

Unnecessary Overheard Question of the Day: (Child to Father): "Is that a white train?"

Discarded Fruit Gums on the train. Should I or shouldn't I?

Eating chips on the train. Feel like the worst kind of scum.

Just watched a highly-toned fitness fanatic try and fail to open a window on the train. Life-affirming.

Announcement: "We currently have no working toilets on the train; let me know if you need to go & I'll arrange a quick toilet stop at Crewe".
Someone on my train has Love Changes Everything as a ringtone. Questionable.

Strange song for a businessman to listen to on a packed train, Number 1: 'Awimbawe'.

Man sitting next to me on the train, you needn't spread your legs so wide; other people have genitalia too.

The ticket staff at King's Cross can make the word 'Sir' sound like an insult.

On a train full of people going to watch Arctic Monkeys. I'm off to see Angela Lansbury. #CultureDivide

My train has been held at Hatfield Station long enough for me to eat a four-finger Kit Kat.

Toddler (sat on mum's lap on train, as I return to my seat from the toilet): "Did that man just go for a wee?"

Sitting next to a mum reading to their small child. Quite enjoying the story.

There's a man on the train who's dressed like Colin Baker's Doctor Who.

Having just passed through it on the train, I've decided I'd now like to live in Penge. #Penge

Overheard Train Conversation of the Day (boyfriend to girlfriend): "When I saw your dad for the first time I thought 'f**king hell."

Oh, that special tension that only occurs when you realise you're sitting on a train with the wrong type of ticket. #PureFear

If you've been queueing for ages, don't wait until you reach the ticket machine to decide on your destination

Train home. Constant high-pitched note ringing in carriage. It's a top C. This means two things: (1) I might be pitch-perfect, & (2) a dick.

The inspector at Euston Station just scribbled on my ticket. BITCH.

The second carriage from the front of the 22:52 fast train from King's Cross to Cambridge smells of poo.

Me: "Does this train stop at Hertford?". Train Driver, as he steps off train: "Hopefully".

A man on the train just said "Shit" to himself. Passionately, as if he really meant it. I'm trying not to laugh at the man on the train.

There is a man staring at me on the train. He's having a really good look. Perhaps I should stare back.

A woman just got on the train at Stevenage who is the spit of Hitler. She even has the 'tache.

The guy using his binoculars on the platform at Peterborough station is either a train-spotter or a very blatant pervert.

A man just got on the train who jokingly described himself as "drunk and aggressive". Great.

When I just showed my train ticket to the inspector, I got a "Yeah" in return. The guy next to me got a "Nice". What am I doing wrong?

A man on the train keeps referring to Robert Webb as Mark Webb. Can I correct him?
On the train back from London, stopping at all the classics.

The hand dryer at Hitchin Railway Station emits the force of an asthmatic old man's breath.
 ...and the palate cleanser:
Sweetest little baby ever, on the train. Mood restored.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more