I’ve already
discussed my love of overhearing snippets of conversation on this blog.
I don’t seek them
out in a voyeuristic, Chuck Berry video-camera-hidden-in-a-public-toilet type
way (Google it); they just tend to follow me about. I’m always catching
something that sounds bizarre, amusing or mundane out of context, and then
tweeting it to remember it.
It occurred to me
today that, while I’ve documented some of my favourite unintentionally eavesdropped
classics here before, I did it nearly two years ago. Bearing this in mind, see
below for some of the best utterances I’ve accidentally monitored - and then less
accidentally catalogued on Twitter - since October 2013; that’s
very specific.
"No amount of money would make me work on a Sunday.
Unless you offered me five hundred quid."
CHILD: "Can we see a clown?"
MUM: "No. Sorry. There are no clowns about at the
moment."
"We're going to walk back to the car, have a fairly
long journey - and then we can have some ham."
"The longest relationship I had at primary school was
two weeks".
"The more I think about laminate flooring, the more I
like it".
"I love necklaces, but I don't know what to do with
necklaces."
"He had a book by Adolf Hitler, signed by Adolf
Hitler."
"Just because you can do it as an Excel spreadsheet
doesn't mean you should."
"She was out all night going crazy: dancing on tables,
canoeing, things like that."
"Do you want to buy the Cliff Richard calendar? He's
smiling."
"The Euro's different, innit?"
"We don't often sing descant parts at the women's choir
as our squeezebox only copes with simple chords."
"Did you know Marcus is circumcised? He actually
is."
"No, I can't eat Dairy Milk. It's got 'dairy' in
it".
“If you walk into A&E covered in blood, they'll see you.”
"When the three of us met up the other day we managed
just ten minutes without talking about aircraft".
"It's all about reputation - and who's got the biggest
bollocks".
"She's entitled to her opinion, but her opinion isn't
right."
"The horse box costs us about £1500 a year to keep on
the road legally."
"He carried on getting the spots for at least five
days."
"She was a bit wobbly, but only balance-wise."
"I struggle to understand Avril's motive for anything.
What is she trying to achieve?"
"We told Tim we were lesbians and he actually believed
us."
"I don't go for none of that wax shit. I just wash it
and blow-dry it, then I'm done".
"Sam, stop it. We do NICE colouring in."
"I'm making a sausage & bean casserole tonight, if
I can measure out the beans".
"At the end of the day, each to their own."
"Some camp men are not gay."
"I can smell kippers. Can you smell kippers?"
"The good thing about Hancock Tower is it's reinforced
by a central grid structure."
"It's crescent-shaped and you can fit it in the palm of
your hand."
"In years gone by, when I was a kid, they used to come
up Jackman's Estate and sand it".
"Every ten years, the human body completely rejuvenates
its bones."
"I wish it was next Saturday tomorrow."
"This map is shit."
"I'll see you down the alleyway in five minutes."
"At the end of the day I'm not going to miss those
DVDs, am I?".
“You can do a wee without doing a poo, but you can't do a
poo without doing a wee.”
"...which destroyed trampolining in this country."
I love the
general public.