Taking Ownership.

While it's fair to say life's currently challenging, I'm carefully trying to navigate the difficulty - despite the pain involved - to look to the future and a time of change.

Before I continue, I should make it clear it took me a long time to arrive at that sentence. It was by no means my starting point, having gone through three of four bleak drafts that painted my situation with brutal honesty. But while I'm allowed to speak my mind, I'm bored with giving negativity power when I want to be done with it. 

One thing's for certain: right now my anxiety levels are through the roof. I'm permanently in fight or flight mode, psychologically waiting for the next attack. It's probably counter-productive, but I've been drinking more than usual, something I'm not supposed to do on my medication, though I try to be careful. This probably doesn't help my mood, but it waters down my edginess a little and switches my brain off.

While it's nice to have moments when I'm not dissecting my situation, the breaks are few and far between. I did have a brief burst of positivity earlier this week, but it's hard to keep it going when so many of the root causes of my depression and anxiety have been reignited and/or dismissed by their biggest cause. 

This serves to illustrate they never understood the impact of their behaviour or that my feelings were important. I think I know the reason for this, having read up on the traits behind the mistreatment, but the insight doesn't take away the hurt that comes with learning someone you loved and protected will never grasp what was wrong, truly wrong. 

Then the pain's multiplied by feeling forced into silence. I carefully redact what I say at the moment as the smallest thing can set off punishment. Everything leads to their disappointment because they expect too much. And in their view, it doesn't matter how wrong their actions are, it's talking about it that's the crime.

Yet while there are a lot of longstanding issues at play, the most important ones in this context are simple and obvious. And I can make that clear when it comes to it. But I've learnt with startling bluntness how quickly they'd discard me to avoid admitting they were wrong.

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