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Cliff-face.


…and then this random guy stood in for him.

I have a number of questions Re. Julia Quenzler’s artistic representation of Courtroom Cliff, but one in particular's at the top of the list: why, when he’s one of the most famous faces in popular culture from the past sixty years, does the picture look like she’d never clapped eyes on him? It’s not like he’s a member of public who had remained anonymous right up to the moment he stepped into the dock; he’s Cliff fucking Richard. Except Cliff wouldn’t be fucking Richard, because that would make him gay and he ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY ISN’T.

Even if by some bizarre twist of fate the artist had never seen Cliff before, that’s still no excuse. According to the article he was in the dock for over an hour, so she had plenty of time to capture his likeness. I’ve heard of people having difficulty drawing hands or feet, but if you can’t draw faces, you probably shouldn’t be a courtroom artist. If it were an identikit picture, the authorities would be hunting for a wizened David Jason.

All this Cliff talk calls to mind one of my favourite overheard snippets of conversation, which was eavesdropped in Wilkinson a few years ago: “Do you want to buy the Cliff Richard calendar? He’s smiling...”

(You can't fault their logic.)

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