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Ukulele Girl.


A number of years back – I forget when, but it was more than a decade ago – I wrote a comedy song with my friend (and ex-Big Day Out drummer) Chris Hollis.

We had a habit of doing this when we were in a band together. In fact, we never collaborated on anything serious. Our songs were written informally, with no intention for use, other than to amuse ourselves – and this one was no exception.

I’d recently bought a ukulele, whilst touring the Netherlands, which became the song's starting point. I strummed a few chords on it while we sketched out the lyrics, which took an hour at most. This is what we came up with:

The day I met my baby
I was playing ukulele in the sunshine.
Her name it was Talula
And she travelled from Bermuda just to be mine.
She loved me and my Hawaiian melody
So Talula from Bermuda was my baby
My ukulele girl.

Well, sometimes I think that maybe
That by playing ukulele I annoy her.
And when she throws it in the river
I forgive her 'cos I really do adore her.
But she went to far, she took my miniature guitar
Then I was penetrated, anally violated
By my ukulele girl.

'Cos monthly weekly daily
I was playing ukulele in the sunshine
Her suicide note said she found it hard to cope
She put a gun to her head
And she filled it full of lead.

So they're burying my baby
While I'm playing ukulele in the sunshine
Her name it was Talula
And she travelled from Bermuda just to be mine.
My four strings sound as they put her in the ground.
While she's decomposing I compose a little requiem
For my ukulele girl (she's dead)
My ukulele girl (deceased)
My ukulele girl.

Once the song was finished, we couldn’t stop playing it. We recorded a rough Dictaphone demo that we both wore out in the ensuing weeks. It was an addictive little ditty.

In the end, we both put Ukulele Girl to good use. It featured on Chris’ comedy duo Spandex Ballet’s album ‘Seriously, Don’t Release This’ and in mine and Glyn’s 2010 Edinburgh show ‘Doggett & Ephgrave: Big in Small Places’, eliciting some indirect praise in our Chortle review. I’m still proud of it. See below for the D&E version, which was recorded in our digs in Edinburgh. Sing along, if you feel the need to:

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