While writing my new show's progressing reasonably steadily, in my heart, I know it needs to be the last project I do alone for some time.
I guess it was my choice - though it often doesn't feel like it - that most things I do now are self-generated, but they all leave me needing to draw on a reserve of self-belief that's fragile at best. I have to ignore so much negative reinforcement to keep going, which is hard when the personal problems I've suffered have much the same impact.
The truth is that what I do is increasingly lonely, and isolation triggers the false narratives my past can dredge up. I think my abandonment issues are understandable, but it doesn't stop them from dragging me back. And recent events in my life have reinforced my lack of self-worth, making it harder to ignore them.
I didn't deliberately set out to be a solo performer. I was in a band and a double act and sought healthy collaboration. And while being an actor inevitably requires forging an individual path, I never wanted to do so much work on my own; this was only born from necessity (sadly, in large parts of my professional life).
It's not that I don't enjoy the freedom that comes with performing alone; I don't want it to be the sum of what I do. We all need interaction, and I love having someone to bounce off creatively (which is why my Macca podcast with Clary is so enjoyable to do). But I don't want to put my limited energy into arrangements that leave me drained and, frankly, don't go both ways. I don't want to facilitate that anymore, as the outcome only disappoints. If I can be part of a genuine creative team and not just be staring at a blank screen most days, it would be good for both my job and mental health, and I might even do something totally new to me, which would be exciting.