Skip to main content

Crazy Talk

There’s a continuity announcer on BBC1 at the moment that really gets on my tits.

His sole purpose is to clearly segue one programme into the next – but he's never let such a small detail hold him back. Each link sounds like he’s emptied a bag of marbles into his mouth just prior to broadcast and is determined to not let any fall out.


His voice has the timbre of a man recovering from intense dental work. He becomes more incomprehensible with every passing link – and once you’ve tuned into his strange enunciation it's very hard to tune out. It’s like a one-man mission to deliver each sentence as you’d least expect it.

To be fair, other channels often have it much worse. Tune into BBC Three of an evening, for example, and the links are more than likely voiced by someone with suitably yoof credentials, but absolutely no idea of where to put the stresses in any given sentence. It’s as if they just picked someone up off the street, thrust a microphone into their face and said “READ THIS”.

I’m not saying that every continuity announcer should speak in R.P. – but they should at least have a tone that’s pleasant to listen to. Failing that, it would just be nice if they could deliver a sentence intelligibly. Why do they employ voiceover artists who can barely speak? It’s crazy talk.

(I'm starting to sound like a caller on Jeremy Vine's radio show.)

At the other side of the spectrum is BBC’s veteran ‘Voice of the Balls’, Alan Dedicoat. Maybe he overplays his excitement – surely nobody is that enthused by numbers – but at least you can always understand what he’s saying.

I like to picture him at parties, reeling off facts about digits one to forty-nine. Taking down his phone number must be tedious.

I wonder if in moments of extreme passion Dedicoat screams "It's time to release those big-money balls". Actually, it's probably best not to think about it.
Labels:

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

'...I'm Gonna Look at You 'til My Eyes Go Blind."

Over the past week or two, I’ve been on a bit of a Sheryl Crow kick, largely thanks to rediscovering her cover of one of my most-liked Bob Dylan songs. She has one of my favourite female voices, yet despite this, I only own one CD and that’s just a single (her '97 release ‘Hard to Make a Stand’); on that basis, you can only imagine how much of her back catalogue I’d own if I hated her (it would fall into minus-figures). Dylan, conversely, takes up more of my collection than anyone else, save The Beatles and Paul McCartney’s solo work. He’s one of those artists who, when you get him, you really get him - and once I’d tuned into his style as a student, I'd time and again be blown away by his lyrics; he’ll have more jaw-dropping imagery in one track than other people fit in a whole career. These days, I mostly listen to music in the morning when getting ready, and more often than not, this will consist of a suggested YouTube playlist when I’m in the bath, r...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more