How do you create a new narrative when your old one's so heavily ingrained and difficult events have pushed it to the surface?
That's the question I ask myself this afternoon as I sit in front of a blank computer screen, trying to be productive. It's something I ask myself often, both directly and indirectly. I know I'm inclined to be a hard taskmaster and am prone to believe I'm somehow failing, but how can I stop my internal monologue from stymying me?
It doesn't help that I've been frequently criticised by a relative who acts beyond criticism - particularly from me - irrespective of their behaviour. I was raised in a toxic household with guilt projected onto me and often blindsided by unexpected accusations that back footed me into apologies before I had time to consider whether they were necessary. In hindsight, I see that a lot weren't, and I was being subtly manipulated by someone committed to overbearing me, but it's still hard to dial down the damage done. Particularly at such a challenging time.
The science behind meditation and mindfulness says it's all about forming new neural pathways, and that won't happen overnight. The more I try different things and take an alternate route, the easier it will become. I know those negative voices will always be prevalent, but they only got there by repetition in the first place, so I need to hold firm and be patient. And no longer tune into an irrational critique that only harms me.