Today's the first day this week that I haven't set myself the task of editing one Glyn's and my podcasts, though I've still got one to do to clear the way for the others ahead.
While I'm pleased to be recording them, I can't shake the background noise of "Why am I doing this?" in my head. "What's the point?" and "It's not like they'll bring in any money" also jostle for attention in my subconscious. I know it's all part and parcel of bridging the gap to Mostly Comedy being a going concern as opposed to just a growing one, but it's another example of putting in far more work than the money I can take out. And more importantly, I want my career to move on, after years of relentless self-generating without the support of the right agent; being honest, I haven't had good representation since my first agent retired in 2004ish.
Even the nature of the interviews themselves can serve to remind me I'm not where I'd like to be. While it's inspiring to talk to other creative people about how they got to where they are and see so much familiarity in what drives them, it can also frighten you. I know I made two large career gearshifts - in 2008 when my heart led me away from mostly unsatisfying actor/muso work to persuing Doggett & Ephgrave more seriously and in 2015 when I threw my solo stand-up hat in the ring - and I know my mental health held me back. There wasn't anything I could do about that. But in my more pessimistic moments - you know, those times when you ignore all the positive evidence to push the negative front and centre - I feel like what started promisingly ultimately petered out.
Last weekend, my friend Claire interviewed me for her 'Mouth-Off' podcast, and we had a good chat; so much so, we were recording for two hours (I pity her for having to edit that). While I've yet to hear it back, I know she caught me at a moment of uncertainty. The phrase 'imposter syndrome' keeps returning to my head. I've always fluctuated between feeling self-confident to waiting to be found out: as a fraudulent actor, musician, comedian and ultimately an adult. But the sense of unease has inevitably taken precedence in the current climate. The fallout from a toxic relationship within my family hasn't helped it. But whatever the cause, I crave a little solidity; ironically at the time, I'm least likely to get it.