Silencing the Inner/Outer Critic.

I'm adjusting to a world where the voice behind my frequently unhelpful self-editing is no longer in my arsenal.

(No bum jokes here, please.)

Pretty much every time I write, perform, tweet, speak or think, a part of my brain kicks in, assessing how a particular person in my life will react to it. I wish that were an exaggeration, but it's true. Admittedly, I'm internalising, but it's an act of self-protection as it was easier to run it past the fictional version of them than face the wrath of the real one.

Now, albeit in the worst circumstances, I'm turning to a new dawn, where their view isn't relevant. Doing this involves limiting exposure to both the imaginary and real voice; neither will be easy as they've been there forever, but as the years progressed, they became synonymous with being made to feel guilty at the expense of me. The relationship was imbalanced with more emphasis on making me feel bad for not living up to their expectations than acknowledging anything good.

One of the main things therapy teaches you is you can't change other people's behaviour, you can only change how you react to it. And one thing I've learnt from dealing with this person, particularly in the past year, is their grip on reality is slim. They're also not someone you can talk to openly, and if you can't speak freely and be heard, it's not a two-way conversation. And if you can't ever make them happy, even when you did what they wanted at the expense of your personal values, then you probably never will. 

So now's the time for growth. Because when you realise you approach everything you say and do by scanning it for potential problems from a person who's never done the same for you, you see you're living in the shadow of someone whose only interested in restricting you. And they've never liked the real you; just the version they wish you'd be. But there's is just one perspective out 7.8 billion, however much they try to drown the rest out; so let's listen to a different voice for a bit.

Popular posts from this blog

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Image
Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...
Read more

Stevenage: A (Tiny) River Runs Through it.

If ever a river was mis-sold, it’s the Roaring Meg in Stevenage. I just walked past it on my way to the retail park that has taken its name. They’re similarly uninspiring. The river is less of a roar and more of a dribble; cystitis sufferers produce greater flow. The retail park is soulless. What was once a thriving enterprise is nearly devoid of atmosphere, save an underlying essence of emptiness and despair. With a Toys R Us. When it was first built I was excited. Back then, the thought of a bowling alley, an ice rink, a Harvester and a Blockbuster Video within a small surface area was enticing. I celebrated many birthdays on site. There was an indoor cricket pitch there for a while where I once had a joint party with a friend. Why someone with an almost pathological fear of sport would agree to such a venture is beyond me, but I did it. Now, there’s very little at the Roaring Meg of note. The river would be a metaphor for the shopping ce...
Read more

Comedy That's Worth a Letch.

Today, I nipped to Letchworth to meet with illustrator (and one-time - two-time - comedy poet) Mushybees, to discuss an event Mostly Comedy will act as surrogate parents to as part of Letchworth’s Arts Takeover in a couple of weeks. Months ago he got into contact to see if we’d be up for co-organising a comedy stage as part of Letchworth’s weekend of arts-based attractions in July; something I’d provisionally said yes to, before things got hectic in the lead-up to Edinburgh and we didn’t take it any further. Despite not getting down to the nitty-gritty straight away, we managed to pull a line-up together in a back-and-forth of emails yesterday, leading to me getting Glyn’s blessing and us deciding we’d officially go ahead with it (whatever ‘officially’ means in this context). In reality, it’s not complicated: from 12pm until 6pm-ish on the 22 nd July, Glyn, Mushybees and I will host four Edinburgh previews from four acts (including me), before Nor...
Read more