Much as I have done many a year previously, this evening I found myself tweeting along with tonight's Eurovision Song Contest.
I decided to immortalise my commentary for the sake of future generations. Here goes:
8:01PM: Surely all the contestants should travel separately though, like with the royal family.
8:04PM: Didn't I see the host sitting on top of my nan's toilet roll once?
8:05PM: Will Theresa May step off the plane to the tune of Dancing Queen?
8:07PM: Dana International forgot to take her outfit off its coat-hanger.
8:10PM: Because pyros & planes definitely mix.
8:13PM: I can't wait for Papa Bendi.
8:19PM: Malta: poor man's Joss Stone.
8:20PM: Sometimes, I perform in the second position.
8:23PM: Having to halt my #Eurovision viewing experience to call my dad to remind him the Amazon Echo name he needs to remember is Alexa.
Not Melissa.Not Electra.
(I wrote it on a piece of paper and stuck it to his bedside table)
It's ALEXA.
8:25PM: A band of guys playing musical instruments, who've never ever held or played a musical instrument.
8:26PM: The #CZE singer's legs have gone to sleep, yet he still soldiers on.
8:28PM: Sister Sister. I remember that. #DEU
8:29PM: Everyone looks so young. God, I'm getting old.
8:30PM: I love singing earnestly into someone else's face. Fuckin' love it.
8:31PM: It's no David Hasselhof.
8:32PM: I bet this one's Donald Trump's favourite. #RUS
8:33PM: This had better be about cathedrals. #RUS
8:37PM: Pizzicato Enya keys? #DNK
8:38PM: "A taste of love". Euphemistic. #DNK
8:40PM: I don't think her braces are taking the weight of her trousers. I bet they're just for show. #DNK
8:42PM: Don't you just hate it when you can't find a matching watch chain. #SMR
8:43PM: Richard Fairbrass goes solo. #SMR
8:43PM: San Marino are clearly going to win.
8:47PM: Don't forget the kids, for Chrissakes. DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. #MKD
8:47PM: Perfect to pass a tricky stool too. #MKD
8:54PM: "Everything reminds me of your face" ; sounds like a compliment, but could be an insult. #SWE
8:56PM: This one's making me feel uncomfortably voyeuristic. #SVN
8:59PM: Have they nicked @johnshuttlewrth's keyboard? #SVN
9:01PM: Does she realise...?Is she aware that...?
I don't know where to look. #CVP
9:01PM: That's what happens when you walk crotch-first into a chandelier. #CVP
9:01PM: That's what happens when you walk crotch-first into a chandelier. #CVP
9:05PM: "Loving you is an oozing game?" #NLD
9:08PM: Someone give her an adenoid operation. #GRC
9:10PM: I love it when people perform in-front of a giant, squat, stout condom.#GRC
9:23PM: If it's bigger than us, you don't need to say it's bigger than you and me. #GBR
9:29PM: A load of gimps, dancing around a massive immovable hamster ball. #ISL
9:38PM: She wasn't born this time last year. I'm not sure she was even born at the start of tonight's show. #BLR
9:42PM: "For the first verse, he'll sing while two robotic arms fire a laser image of a heart onto his chest."
Who pitches this stuff? #AZE
9:48PM: Shaggy's back...and this time, he's Italian.
9:55PM: Comfy jewellery. #SRB
10:00PM: Good place to store your receipts. #AUS
10:02PM: Channelling Kate Bush. #AUS
10:06PM: Staging that's part-Jailhouse Rock, part-Baby, When You're Gone...with a weird Wicker Man thing thrown in for good measure. #ESP
10:07PM: Imagine living in that house though. You'd get no privacy. #ESP
10:19PM: Kenny Everett.
10:22PM: You can see her starfish.
10:24PM: And now we've gone full-on panto. I predict a slosh scene.
10:27PM: Ah, sexy chain-mail.
10:54PM: I once saw a kid on the bus on his way home from school, working his way through a whole packet of Pink Wafers - savouring each one - and then washing them down with a family-sized bottle of Coke.
That's how I feel after watching #Eurovision tonight.
10:57PM: What about her depth perception?
11:04PM: I knew I shouldn't have had that disco biscuit.
11:04PM: Is Jarvis Cocker going to come out, wiggling his bum?
11:16PM: I love how the voting segment reminds us that wherever you go, we're all socially awkward.