Give a Man a Soapbox.

You may have missed it, but a General Election took place yesterday. Theresa May may have wished she'd missed it, at least.

I didn’t stay up to watch the coverage as I was meant to be gigging tonight, but I have to admit my first thought on checking the BBC News website when I woke up to see a photo of May’s disappointed-looking face below a headline about near-certainty of a hung parliament was, “Good.”

It’s what she deserved for attempting to pick the moment she thought the Tories were invincible compared to Corbyn to call an election solely for her party's political gain, and screw the imminence of the Brexit negotiations. What does it matter that we only have two years to work through an intricate administrative process that's surely destined to take longer? Why not throw in a snap election before, to eat into the precious time needed and create a chaotic fallout?

Like much of the country, I turned to Twitter to voice my uneducated two pennies’ worth. See below for much of what was said (including a few digs at my home-town's new Tory MP who was listed on the ballot paper with a Kettering address).

Thursday 9th July 2017:

9:37AM: Remember the line Jimmy Nail kept repeating in his 1992 chart-topping single 'Ain't No Doubt'? THAT.

6:30PM: I hope to God that Trump doesn't get in.

8:50PM: What a lovely evening it is for NOT VOTING TORY.

11:49PM: My biggest issue with BBC News #GeneralElection exit poll:

•Why does Theresa May look like a zombie Grayson Perry?

• Why is Corbyn so camp?

Friday 10th July 2017:

7:39AM: Well that backfired, Theresa.

7:45AM: Maybe the result would have been different if Theresa had one of those magic money trees she kept mentioning on Question Time.

8:40AM: Strong and stable / wrong and feeble.

8:48AM: When will we have a referendum on Andrew Neil's hair?

8:56AM: If we have another election, I think the BBC News team should stay awake until then.

9:02AM: Looking forward to the formation of the new constituency: Hitchin, Harpenden and Kettering.

9:09AM: Perhaps what Theresa May wanted was a man date.

9:12AM: "Ich nichten lichten..."

9:32AM: The theme tune for the BBC's election coverage seems to be channelling 'Yes Minister'.

9:49AM: Theresa Maybeoffthen.

10:11AM: If Lord Flashheart was a party leader we'd have a well-hung parliament. #woof

11:55AM: Paul Nuttall did nut-all.

12:09PM: TIM FARRON: "No deal is better than a bad deal". Kind of doesn't make sense, yet SMACK!

12:22PM: I suspect Theresa May bought the deep Tory-blue outfit she's wearing for her meeting with the Queen as her celebration suit.

12:58PM: Theresa May's statement: what a load of arse. All that's certain is uncertainty.

12:58PM: Forgive my potty mouth, but for fuck's sake:

4:10PM: If Hitchin must have an MP from Kettering, can we swap @BimAfolami for @JamesAcaster? At least I can vouch for the fact he's been here.

Shakerpuppetmaker.

Have Parker from Thunderbirds and Noel Gallagher ever been seen in the same room? The resemblance is uncanny. So much so, I think something’s afoot. If my suspicions are correct, I've stumbled across a secret that will blow the music and puppet industry wide apart. In the mid-60s / mid-90s at least. It doesn’t take long to see the signposts. There’s the similarity between the name of Oasis’ first single, Supersonic, and Supermarianation, Gerry Anderson’s puppetry technique. The Gallagher brothers would often wear Parkas . Live Forever was clearly a reference to Captain Scarlet and Standing on the Shoulder of Giants to the size difference between Noel and his bandmates. The more you think about it, the more brazen it gets. It’s fishier than Area 51, Paul is Dead and JFK's assassination put together. The only glitch to the theory is scale . According to Wikipedia, Anderson’s marionettes were 1’10” and Gallagher is 5’8”. How does he maintain an illusion of avera...

'...I'm Gonna Look at You 'til My Eyes Go Blind."

Over the past week or two, I’ve been on a bit of a Sheryl Crow kick, largely thanks to rediscovering her cover of one of my most-liked Bob Dylan songs. She has one of my favourite female voices, yet despite this, I only own one CD and that’s just a single (her '97 release ‘Hard to Make a Stand’); on that basis, you can only imagine how much of her back catalogue I’d own if I hated her (it would fall into minus-figures). Dylan, conversely, takes up more of my collection than anyone else, save The Beatles and Paul McCartney’s solo work. He’s one of those artists who, when you get him, you really get him - and once I’d tuned into his style as a student, I'd time and again be blown away by his lyrics; he’ll have more jaw-dropping imagery in one track than other people fit in a whole career. These days, I mostly listen to music in the morning when getting ready, and more often than not, this will consist of a suggested YouTube playlist when I’m in the bath, r...

"Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let it Shine."

Tonight saw the second instalment of BBC1’s latest advertise-a-musical-for-months-and-then-cast-it-with-performers-too-inexperienced-to-do-it-a-thon ‘Let it S̶h̶i̶t̶e̶ Shine’ (or as I call it: ‘REAL AUDITIONS ARE NOTHING LIKE THIS’). I didn’t watch it (clearly), but being reminded of how angry seeing just five minutes of it made me last week caused me to mull over what I would call a musical based on the band’s songbook, if I was responsible for it. Here are a my suggestions: IDEAS FOR TITLE OF A TAKE THAT MUSICAL: Barlow! Dirty Fat-Dancing Orange! A Million Love-changes-everything Songs Owen! Howard's End Pray Misérables Mamma Marka! Babe (with a pig as the lead) …BUT MY FAVOURITE HAS TO BE: Jason & His Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. "It was Orange, Orange, Orange, Orange..." (TAKE) THAT’S ENOUGH OF (TAKE) THAT.

mostly david ephgrave

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