Sometimes, doing
stand-up isn't good for your mental health; when a set doesn't go well, it
can serve to reinforce all the bad, yet false things you think about yourself. I find this flares up for me the most at open mic nights.
(I'm feeling dramatic, so bear with me.)
I like to think of
myself as a supportive audience member in these situations. I listen to the
other acts, rather than shutting myself off, and above all, I smile when they're
on. This isn't a contrivance; it comes through knowing what it's like to
perform to a sea of blank faces. It's a small thing, but it can help to egg a
performer on. I enjoy listening to people's stories, and watching them do
their thing.
Sadly, this often isn't
reciprocated. Tonight was a case in point. I did a five-minute spot at a
well-run New Material Night and decided to take the title literally, and use it
to road-test three new stories I hadn't told in public until today. It wasn't
polished and it wasn't perfect - yet there were points when I looked out to see
people I'd subliminally encouraged during their sets looking at me with
expressions approaching disdain and disgust.
When it's a bad day,
this hurts. Those poorly timed faces become an embodiment of all my
disappointment in myself. I start to destroy my performance from the inside, by
joining in with their assumed judgement. I reference what's not working,
shining a light on how I feel about it, and making things worse. It's amazing how
much can go on internally in the space of a five-minute set.
Ultimately, I need to
put things in perspective. Tonight's gig was in a different room to usual,
which is a tough space to play. The sound wasn't great, and I wasn't on until
towards the end of second half, which was a good ten to twelve acts in (by which point
I was tired, and had lost the will to do it). Also, one act in particular whose unhelpful expression I caught sight of had performed exactly the same
set as the last time I saw them, completely ignoring the concept of a new
material night; one point to me.
Deep down, beneath all
the bullshit, I know I can be good. I have experience and form - and I'm
trying something different to what I'm used to (performing alone for a
kick-off). I just wish some people would show a little consideration. It's a huge blow to the
ego when something you've quietly worked on for a couple of days, tinkering
away at it, is seemingly hated, and those negative faces are your only feedback. Fuck them;
I'll keep going. My Dad put it well in a text:
I'll do my best. Anyway, Paul Daniels seemed to enjoy it.